We’re back for another Predator mash-up! This is the series where I take a famous book or movie and I twist the tale by adding Predator. At the same time, my writing buddy, Angela Wallace, chooses a famous tale and mashes it up by adding My Little Pony.

Since February is the month of love, we’ve taken two love stories (uh, kinda) and twisted them. My selection for you is the international sensation/fan-fiction gone wrong FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Angela’s taken the classier route and riffed Shakespeare’s classic story, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.

Did we make them better or worse? I don’t know, but they’re definitely funnier. And on my scoreboard that means we won. I’ll include a link to Angela’s story at the end of this post, so you don’t have to hop back and forth between the two sites.

Okay, let’s get on with it! Here’s Fifty Shades of Predator!

Ana Steele is a college senior who works part-time at a hardware store. She lives in Portland with her best friend, an aspiring journalist. When Ana’s roommate comes down with the flu, she begs Ana to take her place and interview 27-year-old Christian Grey as part of her expose on underground sporting events among the obscenely wealthy. She tells Ana that Christian Grey is a competitor sponsored by Bill Gates in a private hunt, though she’s been been unable to gain any additional information because of its secrecy. She says it is her only chance to speak with Christian because he is about to enter the competition and then he’ll be incommunicado.

Ana agrees to interview Christian on her roommate’s behalf. Because she’s never interviewed anyone before, she stumbles through their hour-long meeting. Christian alludes to the secret hunt, but he refuses to say what they’re hunting, how often the hunt occurs, or who’s involved. Ana leaves feeling guilty because she thinks she completely screwed up the interview. Her roommate is visibly disappointed in the lack of information Ana was able to gather, but says she did well enough.

A few days later, Ana is surprised when Christian walks into the department store where she’s working. She helps him locate a variety of items: a squirt bottle, lighter fluid, and duct tape. Ana suspects he’s making a miniature flamethrower for the next hunt. Curious about this illegal sport, Ana tells Christian that her roommate would also like photographs to go along with the article. Christian pays for the items and they exchange information.

That night, Ana receives a package from Christian containing pages of printed email exchanges between famous millionaires and competitors who participated in previous hunts. Though the exchanges speak in great detail about dates, supplies, and incredibly advanced weaponry, the information on what they’re hunting is incredibly vague. The only name Ana can glean from the papers is “Predator.” Furthermore, Ana and her roommate discover that every participant named in previous hunts has died from mysterious and gruesome accidents, and Christian is the only competitor in the last five hunts to survive. Later, Christian calls and says the next hunt is about to begin and that he probably won’t live through it, and thus is ready to answer her questions. The roommate is still puking her guts out from the flu, so Ana agrees to meet him.

An hour later, a helicopter arrives to take Ana to Christian’s apartment in Seattle. Once there, Christian seems nervous and confesses that he regrets bringing her there. He takes her to a room that’s stocked with high-tech weaponry and gear, most of which is so expensive that even modern militaries can’t afford it. Christian asks Ana to sign a non-disclosure agreement, forbidding her to repeat anything he tells her. She refuses and leaves the apartment.

As she reaches the helicopter pad, she hears a strange series of clicks behind her, but can’t locate its source. Thinking it’s Christian pursuing her, she breaks into a run for the helicopter.

Just before she reaches the door, red laser beams streak overhead. The helicopter explodes in a ball of searing fire and black smoke, and the blast throws Ana backward through the air. Shards of metal and glass pepper the platform and easily slice through Ana’s clothes, cutting her skin. Her body slams down on the far edge of the roof and she nearly rolls over the side when something hard clamps down on her ankle and jerks her back. Her eyes struggle to focus through the smoke and sweltering heat, and she blinks rapidly at the wavering air above her, which she believes to be a trick of the light and fumes.

To her shock, the wavering fumes begin to coalesce, leaving a tall, muscular monster hovering over her, its black dreads dangling around its silver mask. Ana is too frightened to move or even scream. She watches as the monster kneels beside her. It clamps one armored hand around her throat. With the other hand, it digs a finger into a deep cut, scooping out fresh blood. With it, the monster draws a symbol on her cheek. And then it stands.

Shouts and new laser fire shake Ana out of her stupor. She sees Christian running from the nearby door toward her. The monster stands, though it does not seem afraid. It vanishes. Ana watches the distorted air over her turn and run toward the roof’s edge, where it vaults effortlessly over the side and out of sight.

Christian arrives at Ana’s side and kneels down. He explains that the sport is not a hunt at all—it’s a game of survival against a savage alien race who takes human skulls as trophies. They do not know the alien race’s name, so they simply refer to them as Predators. Unfortunately, the marking on Ana’s cheek means she has been chosen for the next human hunt, and, whether she wishes to participate or not, the Predator will come for her. She must learn to defend herself or die.

Hope you enjoyed Fifty Shades of Predator! There wasn’t as much action as I was hoping for because the original book doesn’t have a lot of “plot” to work with. And when I say “plot,” I’m using sarcastic finger-quotes. To make up for it, and give us our fill of laser beams and carnage, I’ll mash up the sequel soon.

Don’t forget to hop on over to Angela Wallace’s site and check out her Friendship is Magic/Much Ado About Nothing mashup!

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