Oversharing, Q&A, and the Next Vote Your Adventure

Jen considering oversharing

Previously, I confessed that I’m not comfortable talking about myself. I had a personal blog for a long time, but the things I would write on it were only interesting to my mom. Come to think of it, they may not have been interesting for her, either. Plus, when I share personal things, I feel as if I overshare. There seems to be no point to my personal stories; they are neither entertaining nor informative. I could try to direct the stories so that there’s a lesson at the end, like Aesop’s Fables, but that’s too difficult and takes too long, and I don’t feel that my role in our relationship is to tell you what your morals should be. So, when I sit down to blog, I try to write things that I want to read. Like many folks, I have a full-time office job; comic vignettes help to break up the monotony of my day.

There’s a point to this, so bear with me. This is sort of an apology. My blog doesn’t look like many others, and for that I am fiercely proud and wholly embarrassed at the same time. I’m sure people come here and are immediately confused. Maybe even put off. Of course, there are no rules about blog content, and I’m sure most people don’t have any expectations prior to visiting, but I imagine some are confused or surprised. And for that I’m sorry. Also not sorry.

See, writing a novel takes a long time. It’s a process that involves planning and organization and then soul-crushing deliberation where the content and grammar are vetted by four other people, and that takes even more time…

As someone who longs to entertain and be read, a blog takes that edge off because I can write and publish—rather, the Spouseditor edits and then he hits publish—it’s much more immediate than a novel. The blog keeps me from feeling as if I should compromise the story or quality of the next Kari Hunter novel for the sake of having fiction read right now. This blog is an outlet, and it enables me to take the proper time to give a full novel the time and attention it takes to be fully enjoyable. What does that mean for you? Well, it means satirical articles about G.I. Joe. It’s a little bit weird and a little bit awesome. So, as I said above, I’m sorry. Also, you’re welcome.

However, I don’t want to ignore your requests for information. I want to talk to you about personal things and I like connecting with you. I enjoy it on Twitter because that medium creates a dialogue. I’m good at dialogue. A blog, on the other hand, is mostly a one-sided conversation, and I don’t know what personal things you want to read unless you suggest something.

So we’re going to do a Q&A.

Question mark What do you want to know? Curious about items in THE FOURTH CHANNEL? Questions about Book 2? Questions about me? Ask me anything and I will answer. Disclaimer: May not be the answer you expected. If questions about the Kari Hunter books don’t involve spoilers, I’ll answer as best I can. Otherwise, I may have to be dodgy or just send an answer back privately. Either way, I will respond to you.

The Q&A will be posted on July 8.

The deadline for questions is the end of the day on July 5.

I really want to hear from you, so please send me some questions! You can send questions a few ways:

1. Post it as a comment below

2. Cram it into a Tweet and send it to @JenLKirchner

3. Post a comment on my Facebook page

4. Send me an email, using the contact form in the sidebar

5. Leave a note on Google+

I’m trying to make this easy for you because some of you are probably just as introverted as I am. If that’s the case, you can even make up a pseudonym when you contact me. As long as the name doesn’t exceed a PG rating or contain a spoiler, I will post your question and answer it.

Speaking of the next Kari Hunter book, the writing is going very quickly now. Recently, the Spouseditor and I made some big changes in order to make writing a priority. As a result, I’m about 32,000 words deep into the next book. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am about the story so far; I want to tell you about it so badly that I’m (figuratively) bursting at the seams. My hope is to be done writing in the next three months so it can go to editors. I know, it’s a long time, but I hope it will be worth it. Now that writing is even more of a priority for me, I expect subsequent books to come more quickly.

In the meantime, we should all be treated to a little fiction. So, we’re reviving an old tradition here on the site:

The Vote Your Adventure is returning.

Homage to Choose Your Adventure For those of you who have never participated in the VYAs before, let me sum up: this site went live on May 5, 2011. My first offering was a web story based on the old Choose Your Own Adventure books that I loved as a kid. Basically, each page has a short story blurb with choices on what the character does next. Some choices end well while others end badly. My web series operated the same way, except that you, the readers, voted on which step the story took next. I gave everyone a few days to read and vote, and then I posted the winning decision plus screen caps of my favorite votes—the comments are often riddled with hilarity and great insight. The following week, I’d post the next step in the story based on the vote.

If you’re interested, you can still read the Vote Your Adventure stories. I should warn you that they’re much different than THE FOURTH CHANNEL. They’re dark, post-apocalyptic, military-themed stories. And they don’t all end well.

The new story will continue in this world, though it won’t have a military theme this time. I’m taking inspiration from The Last Of Us, a video game that’s solely an escort quest. That means you’ll need to get someone from point A to point B safely.

It also means you’ll be unarmed.

In order to make this a little less strenuous, the episodes will be posted every two weeks rather than weekly. (I can’t work on the next Kari Hunter book and go balls-to-the-wall with a weekly VYA without exploding.) You’ll have a week to vote, then I’ll post the results, along with my favorite votes. I might even do some giveaways for participants like I did before. We’ll see. The first chapter will be up on July 21 so mark your calendars and tell your friends.

And be ready to run for your life.

Okay, that’s it. I know that was kind of long and I appreciate you all hanging on until the end. Don’t forget about the Q&A! I want to hear from you; ask me anything you want to know. The deadline for our Q&A is July 5 and the answers will be up on July 8.

And, uh, subscribe to the site. Links are in the sidebar. And pick up a copy of my debut comic urban fantasy, THE FOURTH CHANNEL.

See you guys next week for the June Sci-Fi Pinups! Continue reading

Better with Plissken: Escape from the Black Pearl!

Snake Plissken - Escape from the Black Pearl! It was brought to my attention that we’re way overdue for another Better with Predator segment, where I rewrite an unlikely story or movie by adding Predator. (Many thanks to Wikipedia, whose movie plot entries are incredibly helpful!) At the same time, my partner-in-crime, Angela Wallace, chooses the same story but puts her take on it by My-Little-Pony-ifying it.

Whether we’re improving these stories or not is anyone’s guess, but it’s at least a hell of a good time.

However, since we’re still rocking and rolling along with Snake Plissken Month, I’ve done a little switch on my end. Instead of Predator, we’re dropping Snake Plissken in.

Or hang-gliding him in. Or one-man submersible-ing him in.

You get the picture.

Angela chose the movie this time around, delighting me with the idea of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. As soon as she mentioned it, I knew I had to do it for Snake Plissken Month. I mean, he’s got an eye patch—we’d better make use of it. When you’re finished up here, you can head on over to Angela’s blog and take a peek at her Pony-fied version, Friendship is Magic: Pirates of the Caribbean. I’ll link it again at the bottom so you don’t have to go fishing around for the link.


As Governor Weatherby Swann and his young daughter Elizabeth sail to the new prison in Port Royal, Jamiaca, they encounter a burning shipwreck with an unconscious survivor, the young Will Turner. Elizabeth steals the gold medallion the boy is wearing, in order to keep him from being arrested as a pirate. The crew glimpses a ghost ship, the Black Pearl, sailing away from the wreckage.

Eight years later, Commodore Norrington proposes to Elizabeth but before she can respond, her over-tightened flak jacket causes her to faint. She topples into the bay where the medallion, which she wears as a necklace, sends out a signal to the Black Pearl.

Simultaneously, Snake Plissken and Captain Jack Sparrow have just arrived in Port Royal to serve life sentences at the town-turned-maximum-prison—Jack Sparrow for being a pirate and Snake Plissken for looking like one. As they are standing on the dock waiting to be processed, they both see Elizabeth fall into the water. Snake grunts and shrugs, but Sparrow jumps into the water and rescues her, then uses her to negotiate, hoping to be released from the prison. Commodore Norrington agrees to reverse all charges against Sparrow and let him go free. Though Snake tells Sparrow it’s a lie, Sparrow releases Elizabeth and, as Snake predicted, Sparrow is taken into the police base for processing before being released into Port Royal prison.

That night, the Port Royal base is attacked by undead skeleton zombie pirates of the Black Pearl. Elizabeth is kidnapped by the pirates, who sail away.

Will Turner, who loves Elizabeth, strikes a bargain with Jack Sparrow to help him find the Black Pearl and Elizabeth in exchange for freedom. Jack agrees, thinking he can use this opportunity to reclaim the Black Pearl—though he knows he can’t do it alone. As soon as Will unlocks the jail cell, Sparrow explains that he can’t retake the Black Pearl alone. He needs Snake Plissken’s help. The next hour is spent trying to convince Snake Plissken, who doesn’t give a crap about your skinny damsel or your ship, to help.

Plissken Demotivational

Sparrow realizes they’re getting nowhere with Snake so they give up on the negotiation. He and Turner break into the prison kitchen, where they poison Snake’s bread and water. They return after dinnertime to inform Snake that they’ve poisoned him, and he’ll receive the antidote once he’s rescued Elizabeth and helped Sparrow retake the Black Pearl as his own. Snake agrees to help, though he’s addressing Will Turner, and it’s unclear if he means to help Sparrow. Will Turner opens the door and Snake steps outside. He immediately punches Jack Sparrow in the face. Sparrow crumples to the floor. As Snake steps over him, toward the exit, he growls, “Now I’ll help you.” They steal a ship and set sail for an island where Sparrow knows the Black Pearl will make port.

Upon finding the Black Pearl, Snake leads an underwater assault in one-man submersibles. After climbing up onto the Pearl’s deck, they find that the crew has gone into the nearby cave. They rescue Elizabeth and plan to sail away in the Black Pearl, but Elizabeth exposes the zombie pirates’ plans: the medallion she wore was part of a cursed treasure, and whoever steals from it becomes an ugly zombie skeleton. The only way to turn back the curse is to return every coin as well as the blood of everyone who stole the treasure. The pirates of the Black Pearl are working with her would-be fiance Commodore Norrington, who plans to use Elizabeth’s blood to shift the curse from the pirates to everyone inside the Port Royal prison, including Snake and Sparrow, and turn them into the ultimate, unkillable zombie army. Though Elizabeth’s is the last missing coin, her blood did not break the curse. She confesses that she stole the coin from Will Turner years ago, which has turned her into an undead skeleton zombie. Sparrow confirms that Will’s father was a pirate of the Black Pearl who stole the coin and sent it to Will, and even though Will didn’t exactly steal anything and isn’t an undead skeleton zombie, only his blood will stop the curse. While the group debates who did what and whether it will make someone a zombie skeleton by proxy, Snake seethes with fury because he’s seen what being a skeleton zombie will do to his hair, and he will not allow his luscious feathered locks to become so bedraggled. He vows to stop Norrington and the pirates and enact his own justice.

Snake leads his ragtag crew to the crow’s nest, where they take off in hang gliders and fly into the cave, to a big cavern where the cursed treasure was originally found. A futile gunfight ensues until Will Turner is shot, his blood sprays everywhere and lands inside of the treasure chest. Everyone who was an undead skeleton zombie is now turned back into human form, and it becomes an ugly bloodbath. During the fracas, Commodore Norrington steals a coin from the treasure chest and escapes to his ship. Snake pursues him and catches up as Norrington is climbing into an escape pod that will launch him into space and then redirect him to anywhere on earth that he wants to go. Norrington plans on escaping the fight only to come back later and switch the curse to the inmates of Port Royal. Snake shoots him in the leg, preventing him from getting inside the capsule.

Commodore Norrington pleads with Snake, begging him not to throw the coin into the capsule and blow it up, as doing so would prevent the curse from ever being reversed, and because the capsule is the property of the Free World, and worth millions of dollars. Instead, Snake tosses the coin into the capsule and sets it off into space with no return, thus turning everyone on earth into undead skeleton zombies except for those not part of the Free World—including Snake and inmates of New York, Los Angeles, and Port Royal maximum-security prisons.

Snake grunts and welcomes Norrington to the new world. He lights a cigarette and saunters off into the night.


Hope you enjoyed Better with Predator Snake Plissken! Don’t forget to hop over to Angela’s blog for some hilarious My Little Pony pirate action.

If you’re enjoying the site, subscribe for more! The RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my debut novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives. Continue reading

Mad Mashup/Happy Mother’s Day: Snake Plissken Style

Snake Plissken Mothers Day Card Happy Mother’s Day to all our mothers out there, and happy Snake Plissken Month! I hope everyone’s feathered hair is holding up.

Last week we started a Mad Mashup, which is our version of “Mad Libs.” But in honor of Snake Plissken Month, we Snake-d it.


Anyway, all word submissions needed to be descriptive or honorific of Snake Plissken. If you’re unfamiliar with our gentleman of the month, we just wanted a word you’d identify a badass with.

We got enough words to do something special… something for our kick-ass moms:

A Snake Plissken Mother’s Day Card!

Just print out the little card at the top. On the back, hand-write this thoughtful, loving poem that we mashed up and… snakeified. Snaked? Snake-a-roonied?

Whatever. It’s totally touching and stuff.

Our submitted words are:

Snake Plissken Mad Mashup Word Submissions

You may have noticed that I removed a couple of the submissions. I wasn’t sure how they fit in with the Snake Plissken/badass theme. I did, on the other hand, accept “cheeseburger” because I think Snake would have appreciated a cheeseburger during both of his missions.

And here’s how our Mother’s Day poem/Snake Plissken Mad Mashup came out:

Snake Plissken Poem

Great job everyone! I’m feeling the love and I hope you are too. Happy Mother’s Day to all our moms out there!

If you’re enjoying the site, subscribe for more! The RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook.

You can also pick up my debut novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives. Continue reading

Mad Mashup – Snake Plissken Style

Plissken Demotivational Welcome back to Snake Plissken Month, where it’s all Snake, all the time. Which you probably gathered by the name, “Snake Plissken Month.”

I’m so subtle.

Anyway, this week we’re going to continue Snake Plissken Month with a little group participation in our very own Plissken-themed Mad Mashup!

If you’re unfamiliar with the Mad Mashup series, it’s our very own “Mad Libs” style game, but named differently so that I don’t get sued. To play, I choose a book to ‘mash up’ and remove a few words. Without having any insight into the text, you provide a random set of words in the comments below. I insert the words into the text and we all have a good laugh.

This month’s Mad Mashup will be just a tad different, because all your words must be Snake Plissken-inspired words of bad-assery. If you aren’t familiar with Snake Plissken, consider it your homework for later. For now, just come up with a word that’s synonymous with badasses.

The rules: Your submission cannot be more than a single word. And for you wise-acres out there, you can use a hyphenated word, but there can only be one hyphen. Also, the word submissions are first-come, first-served. So, if your requested category is full, you’ll have to submit a word for a different category.

I’m also not going to tell you what story we’ll be mashing up. Consider it a little surprise.

For the Snake Plissken Month Mad Mashup word game, we need the following:

  • 8 nouns
  • 8 verbs
  • 8 adjectives
  • 3 human sounds (PG-rated, please)

I know, not a big selection going on there, but they should be fun since they all need to be Snake-themed. Good luck! The finished product will be up on Monday, May 13. Continue reading

May is Snake Plissken Month… Redux

Snake Plissken Welcome to our second annual Snake Plissken Month! Here on this website, for the month of May, it will be all Snake Plissken! Plissken feathered hair! Plissken stylish eye patches! Plissken pleather outfits! Plissken death basketball!

Wait—call him Snake.

Are you calling him Snake? Good. Now call him Plissken.

He’s fickle like that.

In case you’re wondering what this is all about, last year I was doing a little research for the Sci-Fi Pinups and I got a computer virus from a Snake Plissken fansite. That was when I decided to create a safe haven for all Snake Plissken fans, so Snake Plissken Month was born.

2012 Snake Plissken celebratory offerings:

Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 1
Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 2
Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 3

And a bonus from the amazingly talented and hilarious Alan Edwards, author of the zombie fantasy novel, The Curse of Troius:

The Tactical Guide to Snake Plissken’s Hair

This month we will revel again in the glory that is Snake Plissken. We shall wear feathered hair, hiss at people, sneer a lot, wear gigantic digital watches, and cruise to work in hang gliders.

Okay, maybe not. But we’re still going to have a lot of fun. So rejoice! Snake Plissken Month is here! Let’s get this party started with a little Bangkok Rules:

And a bonus clip, because this makes me laugh every time:

If you’re here because you read my novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, sorry for the interruption to the regular blog schedule. In June, I’ll be back with some news and fun extras about the world of Kari Hunter as well as updates on the next book in the series.

Stick around for more SNAKE! Subscribe to the site for more Snake Plissken. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook, where I might tweet about Snake. Continue reading

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss April 2013

Pin Cushion Welcome back to another month of science fiction and fantasy pinups! It’s the segment that I continue to write only because you can’t get enough of it.

Seriously. This series is your geek-crack and I am proud to be your geek-crack dealer.

If you’re unfamiliar with this series, it’s the monthly segment where we pull out the heroes and hotties who exhibit the qualities we love in science fiction—like someone with three mutant breasts or a guy who drives a talking car while wearing a speedo or a superhero with a super suit that no one knows how to use. To catch up on previous pinups, check out the link in the sidebar.

Miss April’s a stunner, and I’m not just talking about her right hook. She has long dark hair, dark eyes, and an amazing body that she keeps in shape through rigorous exercises that mainly consist of beating the crap out of people. Though she looks human on the outside, she’s one hundred percent hot alien babe on the inside. When Miss April isn’t roaming around the galaxy with her motley band of escaped convicts, she can be found planetside, beating the crap out of people or torturing them with her biting sarcasm.

She is…

Aeryn Sun

…Aeryn Sun of Farscape!

Miss April enjoys hand-to-hand combat, large weapons, small weapons, medium-sized weapons, leading the charge, and saving the day. If you want to take Miss April out on the town, bring your flak jacket and a few grenades. She loves grenades.

I had a hard time finding good video clips of Miss April; most of what’s available shows goofy lovey-dovey moments and, since we aren’t interested in those, how about a neat fan tribute video?

I had actually never watched Farscape until it was suggested to me in the comments of a previous pinup. Great show. Super fun. Thanks for the suggestion, Candice Bundy!

Mr. April roams around the medieval countryside as a gigantic, lovable mercenary for hire. He’s big. He’s bold. He could crush you with one hand—and he doesn’t even exercise. He’s the friend who will always stand by your side, ready to dunk you in a water barrel to sober you up. When he isn’t working for evil geniuses or carrying around people who are mostly dead, he’s hard at work on his mad rhymes. He is…


…Fezzik from The Princess Bride!

Mr. April enjoys jogging your mind, sportsmanlike conduct, and storming the castle. If you take him out on the town for a hot date, uh… I don’t know. This guy’s just totally lovable. Seriously. Be happy he’s one of the good guys.

And now for some of his lyrical stylings:

Thanks to Angie Wilt for suggesting this month’s Mr. April!

If you have ideas for more pinups, leave a comment below.

If you’re enjoying the site, subscribe for more! The RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my debut novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives.

Pincushion photo courtesy of Lina-Sydney. Continue reading

Cobra Command Financially Down, But Not Out, Says Evil Empire’s Leadership

G.I. Joe - COBRA LogoSECRET BASE—The Annual Shareholder Meeting at Cobra headquarters was somber as CEO Cobra Commander stood before investors and delivered the bad news: profits were down, and they had won only two battles in the last year. Though the first quarter had shown a significant increase in profits, the next three were riddled with large expenditures and poor management decisions. Analysts cite the determined efforts of Cobra’s evil nemeses, the G.I. Joes, as the key factor in their hardship.

“Real talk, guys,” Cobra Commander said in the midst of his thirty-one slide PowerPoint presentation that detailed their failures. “Winning against the Joes is getting tougher and tougher. They’ve got ‘knowing’ so they’ve already won half the battle. The most we could ever hope to win is the other half.”

But the evil association’s message wasn’t one devoid of hope. Following the dismal financial forecast, Emperor Serpentor took the stage and reiterated the group’s commitment to world domination and defeating “those damned Joes.” He detailed a plan that would put the company back in the black.

“We’re prepared to make sacrifices,” Serpentor told the group, “starting with Bob. You’re toast, pal. We’re also going to cut back on the amount of laser fire during our conflicts. Sure, heavy weapons fire that doesn’t actually hit anything is one of our most effective tactics, but it’s expensive. We’re going to cut back on the laser fire and supplement with laser pointers. I know a guy at a cat toy company who will sell us a bunch for cheap. Third, we’re thinking about moving our headquarters. Destro keeps a close eye on the Internet, and thinks that in Soviet Russia we may defeat the Joes.”

After the formal discussion ended, the Q&A session dissolved into needless finger pointing. “As the leader of this organization, I’m fully aware that the blame for our shortcomings falls solely on the shoulders of one person,” said Cobra Commander, “and that person is Baroness. Wait, did you think I was going to say it’s my fault? Don’t be ridiculous.” The meeting then broke out into a laser gun fight where no one was actually shot.

A high-ranking member of the G.I. Joes who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “We knew Cobra was holding a big meeting, so we sent our best spy to find their secret base and listen in on their plans. Unfortunately our best guy is Snake Eyes and he doesn’t talk, so he couldn’t tell us what was said. I’m sure it was the usual talk about how we suck and they’re going to take over the world. We’re not worried. They don’t even have the biological weapons Doctor Mindbender keeps bragging about. They’re just shell casings loaded with Pop Rocks and Canada Dry.”

A spokesperson for Cobra Command declined to comment. Continue reading

News, Giveaway, and the Kari Hunter Series

I have a few things to tell you; none of it flows in a decent order and I always feel silly talking about myself, so bear with me.

The number one question I’ve been getting these days is if there will be a sequel to THE FOURTH CHANNEL. The answer is yes—very much yes. I’m working on it right now and I’m excited about where the story is going. It starts nearly three months after THE FOURTH CHANNEL ends. It’s a little darker than the first book. Sure, it still contains a lot of the humor of the last book and you’re going to get more of the knives (rejoice!), but it’s feeling just a tad darker than TFC did. Maybe it’s just me?

As we get closer, I’ll be able to tell you more. We’ll do a little Q&A and I’ll answer your questions as best I can without giving away the good stuff. I even have a couple of teasers planned that will lead up to the book release. No title on the new book yet, but when I come up with one, you’ll be the first to know.

If you want to find out when the next book is available, there are a few ways to keep up with me. The primary way is this website. You’ll always get information here first. There’s also my social media links. And now there’s a new way to keep in touch with me—I have a newsletter. The newsletter will be quarterly and will probably be more focused on my book series than my blog is. So if you don’t care about sci-fi pinups or which Star Trek captain is best, but want to keep up with my books, then please sign up for the newsletter.

Also, I’m giving away three paperback copies of THE FOURTH CHANNEL! Hop on over to Goodreads and enter to win. The contest runs for two weeks.

Lastly, I’ve been around on the web. Here are some links in case you missed them:

Tiffany White interviewed me over on her “fabooolous” site. It’s probably the most I’ve ever opened up about myself. What can I say? Tiffany’s my Oprah: Author Jen Kirchner on Science Fiction, Necromancy, and her Talking Knives

Back in January, I wrote a guest article for author and editor Marcy Kennedy. I talked about my inspiration for the characters in THE FOURTH CHANNEL and how much Cinderella sucks: Do You Like A Little Contradiction In Your Characters?

Last, but certainly not least, Angela Wallace interviewed Stubby: Inside the Life of a Talking Necromancer’s Knife

Happy reading! Continue reading

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss March 2013

Pin Cushion Well that was a heck of a blogging break. I have to admit, it was a little like Gilligan’s Island—it started as a three-hour tour…

But thanks for indulging me, gang. I suppose I just needed the brain-break. Tonight, I wrote up my two-month blogging plan. I have to get back into shape because next month is Snake Plissken Month.

Can’t miss Plissken month.

So stick around, because we’ve got some fun things brewing—a giveaway of my debut novel THE FOURTH CHANNEL (a #1 comic fiction bestseller—sounds strange to say), updates on its sequel, and possibly a new Vote Your Adventure. More on that later.

Right now, it’s time for the sci-fi pinups! If this is your first time joining us for the pinups, this is the monthly segment where we proudly name the hotties of the science fiction and fantasy universe, then shine a spotlight on their green skin and tentacles.

Or something.

Mr. March is a lean, mean fighting machine. Formerly a public servant, Mr. March now spends his time traversing alternate universes looking for other versions of himself… to kill. Turn-ons include spouting cheesy one-liners, hot girls who keep explosive rats in their high-heels, and hugging police officers with motorcycles. His turn-off is being number Two.

He is…

The One

…Yulaw from The One!

Here’s a short clip of Mr. March in action. Skip to 0:24 for the most hilarious line in the movie. Er, I mean serious. Very serious. You don’t think he heard me say that, do you?

Moving on before I get my butt kicked!

Miss March is a strong woman in uniform. She’s the only female officer among a crew of men, and she’s a total team player. Her turn-ons are cute alien children, being hired for Earth-bound acting gigs, and not being transported light-years away onto alien spacecraft. Turn-offs include cute alien children who turn out to be psychotic butchering murderers, not getting paid, and repeating a ship’s computer. Miss March has one job, and it’s stupid, but she’s gonna do it, okay?

She is…

Gwen DeMarco - Galaxy Quest

…Gwen DeMarco from Galaxy Quest!

If you head out on the town with Miss March, be sure to bring an extra beryllium sphere. It will save you the trouble of dangerous missions where crewmen without surnames are sure to be killed.

I couldn’t find my favorite clips of Miss March in action, but this one is good, too. It’s a great movie. Highly recommended.

If you’re enjoying the site, subscribe for more! The RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my debut novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives.

Pincushion photo courtesy of Lina-Sydney. Continue reading

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss February 2013

Pin Cushion It’s time to announce the Sci-Fi pinups of February—and just in the nick of time, since there are only a few hours left in February. Choosing this month’s leading pair was tougher than I expected. With so many sexy hunks and gorgeous hotties to interview, this was no quick and easy decision. I’ve been swimming in hunks and hotties, working my way to the top of the list.

It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

Our first order was choosing our Mr. February. He’s a distinguished and adventurous man, someone who has seen firsthand the perils of space travel, as he lives and works there every day. (That’s because he’s trapped on a spaceship and can’t escape.) Mr. February’s looks will appeal to all, with his shiny, hard body, shirtless and glistening in oil. And he smells like gumballs. Sexy. What Mr. February lacks in height he makes up in personality and color. He is…

Tom Servo

…Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

Mr. February’s turn-ons are being told that he’s tall, pretending that he’s tall, and when everyone else walks on their knees. Turn-offs include mad scientists who force him to watch terrible movies and mad scientists’ mothers who force him to watch terrible movies. If you want to take Mr. February out on a date, you’re screwed because he’s stuck in space. You’re better off putting a poster of him on your wall and calling it good.

And now, for a bonus—here’s Tom Servo’s theme song!

And now, allow me to introduce you to Miss February! She’s beautiful, feisty, and too hot to handle. Literally. She might melt your skin off. But don’t let that dissuade you—she really is a sweetheart, and I know she’d feel badly about it afterward. Miss February spends most of her time fighting evil and saving the world from certain doom. Well, except for that one time when she single-handedly brought about Armageddon, devastating the earth with her hotness. And by hotness I mean awesome pyrokinetic powers. But like I said, she felt really, really badly about it after. She is…

Liz Sherman

…Liz Sherman from Hellboy!

If you head out on the town with Miss February, take a fireman’s jacket and a fire extinguisher. And a pair of adult diapers. Here’s a shot of Miss February in action. Skip straight to the 1:45 mark to see her hotness in action. And by hotness, I mean face-melting. If she were in a duel with the Ark of the Covenant, I’m not sure who would win.

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Pincushion photo courtesy of Lina-Sydney. Continue reading