During my Kirk vs. Picard article, I made a statement about breasts not being magical. Many of our straight male readers, being the Breast-Defenders they are, contacted me right away to explain how wrong I was. They were emphatic and persistent and eloquent. Surprisingly enough, it put men and the topic of breasts together in close quarters and yet it did not reduce any of these men to gibbering, drooling, cat-calling simpletons.
Breasts, they said, are totally magical. And a few of them repeatedly demanded that I retract my statement.
I’m afraid my statement stands. I won’t retract or delete it. However, I don’t want you to think that your complaints have gone unheard. I have heard you, boob-lovers! Your opinions are important to me and I will ensure that the world knows how you feel!
Therefore, it is with pride that I present the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Pinups of January 2012!
Here we go.
Miss January comes to us from the red planet Mars. She has no discernible talents, but that’s not important. Her turn-ons are stinky bars, men with money, hairspray, and weird frilly grandma sweaters. Her turn-offs are men who know how to get their ass to Mars. Miss January may have no talents, yet because of her “assets” she was easily able to knock the competition out of the galaxy! She is…
…the three-breasted chick from Total Recall!
Obviously, Miss January was a shoo-in for this month’s crown because the only things more magical than breasts are MORE breasts. Also, her name is Mary. Really? Mary the futuristic space-hooker? She doesn’t strike me as a Mary. Maybe it’s the hair.
So here’s a little trivia about Miss January. Her appearance in the movie lasts 28 seconds and yet she’s one of the most remembered ladies in cinema. Mostly by men who dig boobs. Really. Ask your straight male friends about the chick with three boobs. They’ll say “Total Recall!” Every time. Really. This chick is so well-remembered that the character is being brought back for the Total Recall remake.
If you head out on the town with Miss January, I suggest you take a pair of protective goggles. I’ve seen the way she likes to whip those things out and fling them around, and I’m afraid she’s going to take someone’s eyes out. Safety first.
Hang on, Ladies! Don’t go anywhere. I’ve got a pinup for you, too.
Some say Mr. January is a genius; others say he’s insane. What they’ll all agree on is that this bad boy of space is 100% hunky muscles and long flowing hair! He’s got all the brains of a demented Picard, the action of Kirk, and he looks like Legolas on steroids. And that’s not all! Move over, Darth Vader — Mr. January’s also a genetically-engineered superhuman. He’s got a cult of his own and, once his heart is set on you, he’ll pursue you to the end of the universe. Even if it means he’s going to blow himself to smithereens.
Mr. January is the perfect man. He has power. He has cunning. He has a prosthetic chest piece. He’s also knowledgeable about various types of insects. Turn-ons are killing James T. Kirk, killing James T. Kirk, and killing James T. Kirk. Turn-offs include not killing James T. Kirk.
Based on that list, I can surmise that a date with Mr. January entails dinner at a fine restaurant, followed by a little target practice (at James T. Kirk). Ooh la la! Can you say romance?
Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo.