During my Kirk vs. Picard article, I made a statement about breasts not being magical. Many of our straight male readers, being the Breast-Defenders they are, contacted me right away to explain how wrong I was. They were emphatic and persistent and eloquent. Surprisingly enough, it put men and the topic of breasts together in close quarters and yet it did not reduce any of these men to gibbering, drooling, cat-calling simpletons.
Breasts, they said, are totally magical. And a few of them repeatedly demanded that I retract my statement.
I’m afraid my statement stands. I won’t retract or delete it. However, I don’t want you to think that your complaints have gone unheard. I have heard you, boob-lovers! Your opinions are important to me and I will ensure that the world knows how you feel!
Therefore, it is with pride that I present the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Pinups of January 2012!
Here we go.
Miss January comes to us from the red planet Mars. She has no discernible talents, but that’s not important. Her turn-ons are stinky bars, men with money, hairspray, and weird frilly grandma sweaters. Her turn-offs are men who know how to get their ass to Mars. Miss January may have no talents, yet because of her “assets” she was easily able to knock the competition out of the galaxy! She is…
…the three-breasted chick from Total Recall!
Obviously, Miss January was a shoo-in for this month’s crown because the only things more magical than breasts are MORE breasts. Also, her name is Mary. Really? Mary the futuristic space-hooker? She doesn’t strike me as a Mary. Maybe it’s the hair.
So here’s a little trivia about Miss January. Her appearance in the movie lasts 28 seconds and yet she’s one of the most remembered ladies in cinema. Mostly by men who dig boobs. Really. Ask your straight male friends about the chick with three boobs. They’ll say “Total Recall!” Every time. Really. This chick is so well-remembered that the character is being brought back for the Total Recall remake.
If you head out on the town with Miss January, I suggest you take a pair of protective goggles. I’ve seen the way she likes to whip those things out and fling them around, and I’m afraid she’s going to take someone’s eyes out. Safety first.
Hang on, Ladies! Don’t go anywhere. I’ve got a pinup for you, too.
Some say Mr. January is a genius; others say he’s insane. What they’ll all agree on is that this bad boy of space is 100% hunky muscles and long flowing hair! He’s got all the brains of a demented Picard, the action of Kirk, and he looks like Legolas on steroids. And that’s not all! Move over, Darth Vader — Mr. January’s also a genetically-engineered superhuman. He’s got a cult of his own and, once his heart is set on you, he’ll pursue you to the end of the universe. Even if it means he’s going to blow himself to smithereens.
He is…
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Mr. January is the perfect man. He has power. He has cunning. He has a prosthetic chest piece. He’s also knowledgeable about various types of insects. Turn-ons are killing James T. Kirk, killing James T. Kirk, and killing James T. Kirk. Turn-offs include not killing James T. Kirk.
Based on that list, I can surmise that a date with Mr. January entails dinner at a fine restaurant, followed by a little target practice (at James T. Kirk). Ooh la la! Can you say romance?
Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo.
Jen Kirchner 
I totally dig this. Can’t wait til February! Heh.
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Thanks! Really means a lot that you enjoyed it. I had a great time writing it.
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I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Please promise you’ll do this every month. This is beyond awesome
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LOL Okay! Yes! We’ll do more. The fun part about this post is that it was inspired by you guys and your comments. Hopefully our discussions in February will fully inspire next next month’s pinups. That’s when the results are the best. For me, anyway. LOL
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Looks like I need to brush up on my “killing James T. Kirk” skills.
(also, this is awesome)
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For killing James T. Kirk, I suggest the following supplies:
Tank of gross earwig thingies
Hijacked starship
Prosthetic chest
Good luck!
(and thanks!)
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Thank you for recognizing Three-Breasted Chick. In a time where futuristic movies were full of flying cars, one movie went outside the box and created this classic character. Looking forward to the next installment.
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Yeah, I hope the guy who came up with this character got a big bonus. LOL
Thanks, Andrew!
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Catering to your readers with a blog after receiving feedback from them… I feel like we have all been embraced by a warm hug. HAHA
Keep up the good work! Can’t wait to see next month’s selection.
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A warm silicone hug. Aaaaah…
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This is the awesome! And btw, her name’s not Mary, it’s Sally. Mary is just her hooker name. Everyone knows that. Who’d use their real name when hooking/stripping? Duh.
Is there trivia on how many times Kirk was ‘almost’ killed? I’m sure a true trekkie knows, yeah?
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There are men…and then there is Kahn.
The rest of us need not even bother. Even Chuck Norris has to bow before Kahn’s might.
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WHOA. Chuck Norris bows before Khan? Is that a challenge? How does anyone else feel about this?
Them’s fighting words, Montano. I feel another Battle Royale post coming on…
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Bruce Lee > Khan > Chuck Norris.
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I feel like we’re about to divide by zero and cause the universe to implode.
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OMG. Are we getting a pinup per month? Fantastic.
And, because this won’t surprise you in the least, I don’t know who Khan is. I know. I know. Enough already. How can I possibly not know who Kahn is? But I love that he wears a breast plate.
At least I did recognize Miss January. Not completely hopeless?
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headdesk Khan has been repeatedly named one of the greatest villains of all time! Star Trek II was named for him: Wrath of Khan! And he has the earwig thingy! Eeeeww. That scene gave me NIGHTMARES for YEARS. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m getting a little skeeved out. I’d better go stuff a cotton swab in my right ear and make sure it’s all clear.
I can’t believe you’ve never seen it. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. LOL
GO. WATCH. WRATH. OF. KHAN. NOW.
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