A few days ago, I awoke in a strange town, after being spirited away in the night by fairies.
Ha! Ha! Okay, Diary, you caught me — what really happened was that I got drunk and fell asleep in the back of a wagon full of chickens. The owner discovered me beneath the straw when I punched two of his chickens. I sent one flying out of the truck where it bounced off a tree, rolled through the dirt and ran, squawking into the thick forest to freedom. The other hit its owner in the back of the head.
Oh, don’t look at me like that, Diary. Those chickens had it coming. They were pecking my hair and you know how grumpy I am when I’m hung over. I think the chickens were eating the beer nuts out of my hair — and I can’t blame them. The beer nuts from The Busty Wench are quite tasty, especially after they’ve been on the floor for a week. (The stale ones are the best!)
Anyway, the driver stopped his wagon and forced me to get out. Can you believe a commoner would treat a princess in such a manner? I expressed my displeasure at his behavior and offered to show him my royal tattoo on my inner thigh as proof of high position. The tattoo is quite easy to see once my thick and luscious leg hair is parted. Yet somehow this offering seemed to frighten him! He turned and sprinted to his wagon, flung himself across the driver’s bench, and pressed his horse as fast as it could go.
I journeyed for many days on foot until I arrived in Khedris, a large, bustling city full of taverns, art, taverns, bards, and taverns. I was excited to be in a large populated area where I could perform many good deeds for my lovely subjects. However, soon after I arrived, I heard a call for the best warriors of the land. And as you know, the best warrior is myself, so of course I went.
I was then called upon to prove myself in battle. I welcomed the challenge! As I entered the arena, a hush fell upon the crowd. My opponent was laughable, a pitiful man whose sword I quickly removed from his possession. The spectators showed their appreciation with applause and cheers. I was so caught up by their enthusiasm that I punched my opponent in the head!
Stop looking at me like that, Diary. Battle lust was coursing through my veins and you know I am incapable of resisting. Besides, I got the job and that is what matters. Starting tomorrow, I will be protecting a man called… um, what did they say it was? Fat-eo? Foof-ee-oh? La-zy-oh? Eh, I do not recall.
A few others were also hired along as my companions — a large, stupid man in full plate armor, a hunter with a large wolf companion, a woman who can tame fire, and an annoying girly-man whose talents are not obvious. I shall meet them tomorrow.
I wish you goodnight now, Diary, as there is still time to drink and be merry before the morning. Of course, I must say it since I do not know how to write. That is why I am speaking into a book.
Princess Dominika is the character I play during my Friday night GURPS game which, for the uninitiated, is similar to a Dungeons & Dragons tabletop game. Dominika is a lot of fun to play, as she is an axe-wielding warrior princess with low intelligence and fierce love for drinking. She is a constant source of humor for my group.
I thought these diary-style entries would be a different way to write stories for you. Hope you enjoyed it.