Better with Predator: Twilight

Today, we’re embarking on a new blog series. A while back, I was involved in a debate on whether everything can be improved with Predator.

That’s right, Predator. He’s scary-cool. He’s from space. He has a cloaking device. He shoots lasers. He hunts Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is there anything Predator can’t do?

Well, besides killing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Anyway, we’re going to put this “Better than Predator” theory to the test by taking a story, dropping Predator in it, and seeing if the result isn’t awesome. And because I was looking for a challenge, our first test will begin with the sparkly, teeny-bop phenomenon Twilight. It’s a tough challenge. A lot of people love Twilight. An equal amount, yours truly included, really don’t understand Twilight. Can Predator make sparkling vampires awesome? (Or, depending on your view of sparkling vampires, more awesome?)

We’re about to find out.

But wait, there’s more! For this series, I’m teaming up with Angela Wallace, who is doing her own take by adding My Little Pony to a different selection of stories. This month’s feature mixes My Little Pony with the Lord of the Rings for a truly fun (and funny) read. When you’re all wrapped up here, head on over to Angela’s for Friendship is Magic: Lord of the Rings. I’ll link it again at the bottom of the post so you don’t have to search around.

And now, without further ado: TWILIGHT & PREDATOR!

Isabella “Bella” Swan moves from sunny Phoenix, Arizona to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her father. Bella attracts attention at her new school because she has a tan and because there is absolutely nothing going on in dinky little Forks. She is quickly befriended by a group of cool students and, much to the audience’s dismay, several emo-looking boys compete for her affection.

Later, Bella is asked to tutor students who are falling behind in science classes. She agrees and is partnered with Edward Cullen, who spends the first half hour sniffing her. Bella becomes frustrated and recommends that Edward be dropped from the course so he can attend woodshop and eat glue. Angered, Edward jumps up from his desk, shouting, “You stink like poo!” and runs from the room. He stays absent for the next few days.

When Edward returns to school, Bella’s tutoring sessions resume and they become fast friends. Eventually, Bella realizes Edward is stalking her and breaking into her house. Naturally, she falls madly in love with him.

Bella’s life takes a strange turn when, while standing in the school parking lot, a strange, cloaked figure throws a van at them. Edward protects Bella by stopping the van with his bare hands, then rushes her into the school. Despite being visibly frightened, Edward refuses to discuss the incident.

Bella becomes determined to find out what happened in the parking lot and how Edward had saved her life. She begins an amateur investigation by doing a single Google search and discovers a Native American legend of a space traveler who hunts vampires for their sparkly skins and sells them all across the galaxy as exotic rugs.

Armed with this knowledge, Bella confronts Edward. He takes Bella into the woods and confesses he has a horrible, disfiguring disease that has not only turned him into a vampire, it makes him sparkle like a disco ball when exposed to sunlight. He confirms the legend she had been told and gives a name to the interstellar hunter: Predator, a fierce alien warrior who uses thermography to observe and target his prey. Luckily, vampires have no heat signature so they have some protection, but not much—Edward goes on to explain that the reason the Cullens live in the overcast town is to conceal their skin disease, as sparkles happen to be the worst camouflage ever. Furthermore, Predator’s attack at the school means Edward’s family has been found, and the attacks will only escalate until Edward and his family are spread out on an alien’s foyer floor. Finally, Edward confesses his love for Bella and asks her to be his vampire wife for eternity, or at least until Predator kills one of them. Bella refuses because that’s dumb.

During a thunderstorm, Edward invites Bella to meet his family and participate in a game of vampire baseball. Though the sounds of the game are mostly masked by the storm, Predator uses his awesome tracking equipment to analyze the sounds and follows them to the field. He sees Bella’s heat signature and starts blowing up the surrounding area with his lasers. Edward throws Bella headlong into a puddle and rolls her around, covering her completely in mud to cover her heat signature. Predator returns to his spaceship. Bella breaks up with Edward and says she’s better off dating one of those lame emo boys from school.

Later, Bella goes into the woods by herself and falls asleep, because she apparently has never watched a slasher movie before. When she wakes, she catches Edward hiding in a tree, still employing his brilliant stalker tactic to win her love. Bella yells at him, threatening to file a restraining order against him when Edward hears a rapid clicking noise. Three red points of light, in a triangle formation, shine on Bella’s forehead. Edward tackles Bella to the ground just as a laser shoots from nearby bushes and blows up a tree that Bella was standing in front of. They realize Predator is using Bella’s heat signature to find Edward. Edward lifts Bella onto his back, shouts, “Hang on, Spider Monkey!” and speeds off into the trees, dodging laser fire, exploding trees and rocks, and is able to leave Predator behind.

After the second attack, the Cullens try to protect Edward by separating him and Bella. Edward, unable to contain his love and his stalker ways, follows Bella to a hotel in Phoenix where she is hiding. Unbeknownst to Edward, Predator had also tracked Bella to the hotel and is lying in wait for Edward to show up. A battle ensues. Predator blows up a lot of stuff with his awesome lasers and Edward is quickly captured. Predator takes Edward to his spaceship but handcuffs the vampire outside, using Edward as bait to lure the rest of the Cullen clan.

The Cullens arrive in Phoenix and Bella shows them where Edward is being held. Predator, cloaked and hiding nearby, sees Bella’s heat signature and triggers nets to fall all around her. Sadly—I mean, luckily— the Cullens had expected an attack and were hiding at a distance in the shade.

Bella leads Predator away from the spaceship so the Cullens can free Edward. Tragically, the magnitude of the Cullens’s combined sparkles under the hot, Phoenix sun is absolutely blinding and none of the vampires can see through the sparkles to untie him. Bella returns to the spaceship and has just enough time to free Edward before Predator returns. The air alights with laser fire and everything around them starts to explode awesomely.

The Cullens know the only way they can escape is to erase Bella’s heat signature. Edward’s father says to kill Bella, but Edward refuses. Instead, Edward bites Bella’s hand. Her heat signature takes a few moments to dissipate, and in the meantime Predator awesomely blows up a few more things with his kick-ass lasers. Then, while Bella is sick and starts to undergo the process of becoming a vampire, the Cullens make their escape. Edward asks Bella one more time to become his sparkly vampire wife. Bella refuses because that is dumb, so Edward sucks the sparkle-poison out of her body, returning her humanity and heat signature.

Later, Edward barely scrapes by his science class and finally graduates high school because the 100th time is a charm. He and Bella attend prom together. Predator immediately heads to Italy, as he has a lead on a bunch of vampires there and he needs at least three sparkle skins to improve his ROI.

THE END

Hope you enjoyed TWILIGHT & PREDATOR! I’d love to hear from you, so let me know in the comments below. Also, if you want to challenge any other story with the “Predator” theory, leave a comment to let me know what we should tackle next. Don’t forget to check out Angela Wallace’s mash-up of My Little Pony & Lord of the Rings.

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