Stubby's 2024 Horoscopes
Jen Kirchner· February 04, 2024· [funny, kari-hunter]
Surprise, Kari Hunter fans: I have some bonus content to share! Over the past year, I’ve been writing fun pieces for my newsletter subscribers and I’m excited to share one with you. If you’ve been looking forward to the next Kari Hunter book (it’s coming, I swear!) and have been feeling a serious lack of talking sacrificial knives in your life, then it’s your lucky day. Kari’s third knife, Stubby, is here with its 2024 horoscope predictions.
Enjoy!
Aquarius (January 21–February 19): You’ve grown a lot and learned much, but you don’t have it all figured out yet. It’s time for you to go back to basics and get your life organized. You can best spend 2024 figuring out how to strike a balance. I know how that sounds, like one of those new-fangled mantras that your job’s been throwing around, pushing all of the employees to have “work-life balance,” but what they really mean is, “do all of the tasks you’re doing now, but also figure out how to have a home life on top of it, you miserable pleb.” That’s what 2024 is going to feel like for you: you’ll continue trying to prioritize your well-being, but the rest of your life doesn’t really care about your stupid feelings. Your feng shui plant in 2024 is the rafflesia arnoldii, which is the largest flower in the world, growing up to a width of three feet. It’s also a parasitic plant that feeds off of other plants, and it smells like rotting meat. Ooooh yeaaaaaah. Feel those positive energy vibes going right up your nose holes.
Pisces (February 20–March 20): This year, you’ll find some confidence. Finally, your mom can stop nagging you about that, and stand up straight, and stop mumbling!, at least for the next 12 months. Lean on your intuition—it’ll give you an advantage this year. Of course, it’ll also open you up to some harsh realities and unpleasant situations or relationships that you thought you’d gotten rid of. When that happens, just remember, I’m always available and my rates are cheap. I also do birthdays and quinceañeras! Your lucky number this year is a non-computable number. Not even a computer can define them, and hardly anyone understands them.
Aries (March 21–April 19): My favorite thing about Aries is that you all think you can headbutt your way through anything. It’s amazing you haven’t given yourself permanent damage at this point. I can totally relate! Next year, you’ll boldly forge ahead on your plans, like an explorer on a trail—I bet you feel so superior, having legs and general mobility! But beware, you’ll reach the end of your plans and then have to figure out what to do next. And who will be laughing then? Will it be you, with your ability to make plans and not be confined to a cutlery box? Or me with, um, what I’ve got? Never mind. Don’t answer that.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): We all know that your comfort zone is your favorite place to be, Taurus. Unfortunately, I have bad news. Next year can be summed up by your least favorite word: ADVENTURE. I’d congratulate you, except you are not Lara Croft. You will make three big decisions next year, and you will detest every second of it. Haha, that’s hilarious! Your lucky color for next year is Harlequin. It’s in the same family as neon green, and twice as aggravating. You poor bastard.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): You’re often described as fickle and flighty, and you get bored easily. Like Longy in the middle of a Law and Order marathon. Next year, you’ll bounce between the extremes, but on hard mode. Your favorite thing! You’ll struggle to focus on alone time where you can be quiet and introspective, all while trying to further some of your most ambitious plans. You’ll probably annoy the crap out of everyone around you. Next year, your lucky number is the solution to Hilbert’s Sixteenth Problem, which has never been solved.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Everyone says you’re an introvert, and the most understanding, generous, and emotional of us all. Gross. You’d probably make great pen pals with Rambo. Next year, you’ll listen to the voices in your head and get out of your comfort zone. 2024 will be a great time for you to take risks with relationships, investments, and your career. You want to be introspective about every decision, but there will be no time for it. That probably stresses you out already. Your spiritual animal for next year is the red-lipped batfish. It’s a terrible swimmer and walks along the sea floor on its fins. Good luck with that.
Leo (July 23–August 22): Are you interested in leadership at all, Leos? No? Well, too bad, because you’ll find yourself in the spotlight, surrounded by supporters. You’ll also grow your social circles and find new and interesting awakenings in your love life. Ugh, your life sounds like those Bollywood movies Rambo loves to watch: horrifying, especially when Rambo sings along in monotone. You’re going to share your message with the world and be surprised to find it resonating and attracting people to you. I don’t know what to tell you, Leos. You’re going to have an awesome year filled with success, happiness, and friends. Quite frankly, I find you disturbing.
Virgo (August 23–September 22): Well, here you are, Virgos. It seems the universe delved out all of the interesting bits to everyone else, and you’re just getting a normal year. You’ll have ups and downs. Good things and bad. Highs and lows. You’re gonna go places this year. Well, you’re gonna go to a place. Average year, remember? But I do have some good news: some rabble rousers will show themselves and attempt to thwart your good efforts. I call it “good news” because you’ll know who to stab—UH, I MEAN, REPORT TO HUMAN RESOURCES! Anyway, colleagues and confidants will rally and help you overcome these jerkfaces. Start hoarding lucky objects like rabbit’s feet and socks. Rub Buddha’s belly at every opportunity. Eat grapes while wearing red underwear. (Uh, Spain, are you okay?) If you see birds overhead, run beneath them in the hopes that they will poop on you. (Russia, no one understands you, and at this point, we don’t want to.) Also, collect eight of everything. And say the word “rabbit” when you get up every morning. None of this will help, but it might distract you from the averagely boring year the universe is about to slap you with.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Your niceness is everything I hate about the world. Oh, whoops! I thought I was writing a different column; you want a horoscope. Okay, here we go: This year you’re going to feel the full spectrum of emotions—even the bad ones! Prepare to dredge your own personal depths and experience all the negative emotions you typically suppress, like anger, rage, and heartburn. Maybe some itchiness. Possibly sleepiness. Out of this deep soul searching, you’ll find buried treasure within you. Hopefully that means you’re gonna turn into a Sith Lord, because Sith Lords are cool and shoot lightning bolts from their fingers. That’s really the only thing that would make your stupid loving, emotionally balanced nature even mildly tolerable. Weirdos.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22): Listen up, you bossy, headstrong group! So, you aren’t great at team sports and tend to do better solo. This year, you’ll do better to nurture relationships with people who encourage you and your talents. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to hear everyone else over the sound of your own awesomeness. Somehow, you’ll just have to manage. Oh, wait a minute—you sound just like me! I take it all back, Scorpios. You’re incredible! Your spirit animal this year is the sarcastic fringehead, a fish with a terrible temper that fights its enemies by kissing them aggressively with its enormous mouth.
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21): Welcome to your personal hell, Sagittarius. Your free-spirited, winging-it ways are over, at least in 2024. This year, it’s time to get disciplined, make concrete plans, and start building something. But that’s not all. The pressure is double for you this year, as your family and friends will be directly affected by whatever you embark on. Knowing your history with planning and execution, you’ll probably end up with the equivalent to a giant plastic corkscrew slide with a ball pit in your backyard. Um, can I hang out at your house? Anyway, your lucky color this year is phlox. It’s a nearly neon version of purple which is known to cause anxiety and nightmares.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20): You’re embarking on a year of harmony and personal stability, and you’ll find your attitudes maturing because you’re gonna think really deep thoughts. Ugh, you sound like a poster child for one of those weirdo wellness gurus who lives in the forest, eats tree bark, and meditates all day long. This year, get out of your comfort zone and into the dating pool. Will you be successful in love this year, Capricorns? Probably not, but you’ll at least have deep and meaningful revelations about relationships. Also, your dating escapades will be hilarious for the rest of us to watch.
I hope you enjoyed Stubby’s predictions and feel fully prepared to face 2024!
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Until next time,
Jen