Stubby’s 2026 Horoscopes and Predictions
Jen Kirchner· December 30, 2025· [fiction, funny, kari-hunter]
Hello, friends!
I didn’t want to end the year without writing you some fun fiction. Err, I mean, this is from STUBBY, Kari Hunter’s third sacrificial knife. It’s back by popular demand with your personalized 2026 horoscopes and predictions.
First, a short message from Stubby:
Behold. I have seen the stars! Honestly, I had to nag Kari for days until she finally took me outside, onto the back porch. It was kinda cloudy and pretty snowy, but it was hilarious to watch Kari dance around and try to stay warm. HA HA! Dance, minion! Dance!
Anyway, I saw some stars. And I, Stubby the All-Knowing, who is connected to the mystical plane of the dead and most things magical, have seen the future. YOUR FUTURE! Now, I shall reveal what the fates have in store for you this coming year. Honestly, it’s all bad news for everyone, which is delightful for me!
Please note that all my predictions are 100% accurate or your money back—guaranteed.
Wait a minute. What do you mean, nobody’s paying for my services? Honestly, Kari, I am a treasure!
ARIES
The stars tell me that you’re in for a year of introspection and growth. Anyone else would probably love that, but it’s you, and you’re weirdly outgoing and adventurous. Which means that your year is going to be a massive bummer. You will be visited by three ghosts, but not of Christmas—that trio is booked for another gig. Instead, you’ll be visited by the ghosts of your cringeworthiest moments of past, present, and future. As a bonus, they’ll spend extra time on your most embarrassing celebrity crushes and the times you tried to dress like them. Please record the evening and send it to me so we can all have a good laugh.
In 2026, your ruling house is Addams. Your element is antimony (atomic number 51). In medieval times it was used as a laxative—a reusable laxative that was passed down to family members. Eew.
TAURUS
All will go well for you in 2026, Taurus… until you least expect it. This year, you’ll go to your favorite restaurant. The waitstaff will bring your order and say, “Enjoy your meal.” You will say, “You too.” You’ll never be able to eat there again.
In 2026, your ruling house is Conehead. Your element is bromine. Its liquid form is black with red fumes oozing from it. Looks like something you’d find in the pit of hell. Or in Cthulhu’s toilet. Same thing.
GEMINI
Due to angry gypsies, you will receive two blessings and a curse: Surrounded by a rapt audience, you will suss out every single door that is pull and every door that is push. Everyone you encounter will enjoy chatting with you so much that they won’t recognize your cues to end the conversation, and they’ll continue yammering. In the quietest places, your stomach will notify you that it’s hungry with a klaxon growl. I’m not sure which of those are blessings.
In 2026, your ruling house is Spellman. Your element is californium, atomic number 98. It is extremely rare and can start nuclear reactors. It is also extremely dangerous, requiring heavy shielding and extreme precautions. You’ll feel the same way about yourself all year long. Enjoy!
CANCER
This year, you will meet new and exciting people! When they tell you their names, you will not be listening and won’t remember them. You will meet every single person again in important settings… and resort to calling them dude, mate, or the ultimate dreadword, pal. Ugh. Have you thought about becoming a hermit? You should.
In 2026, your ruling house is Banks. Your element, krypton, has been used for spying on other countries. Your ruling planet is Wasp-17b. It’s the largest exoplanet we’ve discovered, and, like you this year, it travels in the opposite direction of everything else.
LEO
This year, you will be haunted by a poltergeist named Larry who lived in a time without televisions. All he wants to do in the afterlife is watch politics on your TV at 2 a.m. He still has his bad hearing and tinnitus, so he’ll be listening at max volume.
In 2026, your ruling house is Munster. Your spirit color is careless whispers, which is a combination of soft orange, beige, and the George Michael song stuck in your head all year long. That sucks for yooooooou-oooh–oooooooooooou… Oh, whoooooa… Now hit us with that sweet sax solo!
VIRGO
It will be an average year for you, Virgos. Nothing to really get excited about, but nothing too terrible, either. But fear not, Fate has not forgotten about you. This will be your year of epic clumsiness. You’ll find yourself bumping into door frames and tripping over your own feet, and don’t forget about your extremely embarrassing fumble-fingers. In related news, you’ll take “safe sex” to a whole new level. That is, if anyone dares to get within 10 feet of you. Clutz.
In 2026, your ruling house is Bean. Your element is iridium, which isn’t naturally present on Earth. If it’s found here, it means it came from outer space. Not dissimilar to how your ex describes you.
LIBRA
Your ongoing rivalries will come to a head this year. Just before you’ve given up and conceded defeat, these adversarial relationships will turn into partnerships. Shortly after, you will realize that your auto-correct was on the whole time, changing your poignant yet succinct messages. That’s good ducking luck. You’ll finally turn the feature off, you think, and you’ll never feel friar. The downside: You’ll forever be introduced as the auto-correct king or queen. Your most humiliating messages will be printed and framed.
In 2026, your ruling house is Simpson. Your ruling planet is TOI-6713.01, a smoldering exoplanet that’s covered in erupting volcanoes and melting from within. Your top love match is a dictionary and a decent spell-check program.
SCORPIO
One of your ruling planets, Pluto, will be locked into Aquarius all year, and it was considering blessing you with great things, but then it remembered that it’s been downgraded from a planet and is holding this against you. Considering that Pluto is just a chunk of ice and rock that’s 4.5 million kilometers away from us, its threats will probably amount to nothing. YOU HOPE.
In 2026, your ruling house is Robinson. One of your ruling planets is holding a grudge, and Mars doesn’t want to get in the middle of it, so you’re kind of on your own this year. Your top love match is a telescope. You can never be too sure.
SAGITTARIUS
It’s time to get your life together, Sagittarius, because everyone’s starting to notice. How can they not, with your bizarre scent? Get organized, clean up your house, spruce up your wardrobe, and make a plan for your life. Still, through the entire year, you will have that nagging feeling that you’re forgetting something important. The feeling will follow you everywhere.
In 2026, your ruling house is that cool, butt-kicking royal family of Wakanda. Your element is osmium, the densest of all elements. Your ruling planet is TrES-4b. Its density is the same as cork, and it’s considered a “puffy planet.” Like your mom.
Note: I’ve just been informed that, for the crime of a bad “your mom” joke, I’ve been sentenced to one week in the ugly underwear drawer of shame. But you know what? Worth it.
CAPRICORN
In 2026, you’ll focus more on your home life and get back to your roots. You’ll want to surround yourself with comfort and spend time with loved ones. You’ll also show interest in new hobbies and things that bring ultimate fulfillment. Before deciding which hobby is for you, you’ll try a wide variety of things, like skydiving, sports, knitting, and vengeance. I know which one I’m rooting for.
In 2026, your ruling house is Knievel. Your ruling planet is TrES-2b, known as the planet of eternal night, reflecting only 1% of the light that hits it. Just like your soul.
AQUARIUS
This is the year for you to develop your ultimate family life. You’ll spend a lot of time fantasizing about what that means. Hot tip: I’ve heard that you can rent a different family if you don’t like the one you’ve got. If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to create better boundaries. I recommend a moat. Practical and stylish.
In 2026, your ruling house is Winchester. Your element is francium (87). It is so radioactive that it evaporates itself, so we don’t really know what it looks like. It’s also killed everyone who has discovered it.
PISCES
A long term commitment is coming your way, Pisces. I will not provide further details on that. I’ll just leave the overwhelming fear and dread for you commitment-phobes to enjoy. Happy 2026.
In 2026, your ruling house is Connor. Your top love matches are staying indoors with rocky road ice cream and Star Trek reruns.
I hope you enjoyed Stubby’s 2026 predictions. Have a very happy New Year!
Want more? Check out Stubby’s 2024 horoscopes.