Better with Plissken: Escape from the Black Pearl!

Snake Plissken - Escape from the Black Pearl! It was brought to my attention that we’re way overdue for another Better with Predator segment, where I rewrite an unlikely story or movie by adding Predator. (Many thanks to Wikipedia, whose movie plot entries are incredibly helpful!) At the same time, my partner-in-crime, Angela Wallace, chooses the same story but puts her take on it by My-Little-Pony-ifying it.

Whether we’re improving these stories or not is anyone’s guess, but it’s at least a hell of a good time.

However, since we’re still rocking and rolling along with Snake Plissken Month, I’ve done a little switch on my end. Instead of Predator, we’re dropping Snake Plissken in.

Or hang-gliding him in. Or one-man submersible-ing him in.

You get the picture.

Angela chose the movie this time around, delighting me with the idea of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. As soon as she mentioned it, I knew I had to do it for Snake Plissken Month. I mean, he’s got an eye patch—we’d better make use of it. When you’re finished up here, you can head on over to Angela’s blog and take a peek at her Pony-fied version, Friendship is Magic: Pirates of the Caribbean. I’ll link it again at the bottom so you don’t have to go fishing around for the link.


As Governor Weatherby Swann and his young daughter Elizabeth sail to the new prison in Port Royal, Jamiaca, they encounter a burning shipwreck with an unconscious survivor, the young Will Turner. Elizabeth steals the gold medallion the boy is wearing, in order to keep him from being arrested as a pirate. The crew glimpses a ghost ship, the Black Pearl, sailing away from the wreckage.

Eight years later, Commodore Norrington proposes to Elizabeth but before she can respond, her over-tightened flak jacket causes her to faint. She topples into the bay where the medallion, which she wears as a necklace, sends out a signal to the Black Pearl.

Simultaneously, Snake Plissken and Captain Jack Sparrow have just arrived in Port Royal to serve life sentences at the town-turned-maximum-prison—Jack Sparrow for being a pirate and Snake Plissken for looking like one. As they are standing on the dock waiting to be processed, they both see Elizabeth fall into the water. Snake grunts and shrugs, but Sparrow jumps into the water and rescues her, then uses her to negotiate, hoping to be released from the prison. Commodore Norrington agrees to reverse all charges against Sparrow and let him go free. Though Snake tells Sparrow it’s a lie, Sparrow releases Elizabeth and, as Snake predicted, Sparrow is taken into the police base for processing before being released into Port Royal prison.

That night, the Port Royal base is attacked by undead skeleton zombie pirates of the Black Pearl. Elizabeth is kidnapped by the pirates, who sail away.

Will Turner, who loves Elizabeth, strikes a bargain with Jack Sparrow to help him find the Black Pearl and Elizabeth in exchange for freedom. Jack agrees, thinking he can use this opportunity to reclaim the Black Pearl—though he knows he can’t do it alone. As soon as Will unlocks the jail cell, Sparrow explains that he can’t retake the Black Pearl alone. He needs Snake Plissken’s help. The next hour is spent trying to convince Snake Plissken, who doesn’t give a crap about your skinny damsel or your ship, to help.

Plissken Demotivational

Sparrow realizes they’re getting nowhere with Snake so they give up on the negotiation. He and Turner break into the prison kitchen, where they poison Snake’s bread and water. They return after dinnertime to inform Snake that they’ve poisoned him, and he’ll receive the antidote once he’s rescued Elizabeth and helped Sparrow retake the Black Pearl as his own. Snake agrees to help, though he’s addressing Will Turner, and it’s unclear if he means to help Sparrow. Will Turner opens the door and Snake steps outside. He immediately punches Jack Sparrow in the face. Sparrow crumples to the floor. As Snake steps over him, toward the exit, he growls, “Now I’ll help you.” They steal a ship and set sail for an island where Sparrow knows the Black Pearl will make port.

Upon finding the Black Pearl, Snake leads an underwater assault in one-man submersibles. After climbing up onto the Pearl’s deck, they find that the crew has gone into the nearby cave. They rescue Elizabeth and plan to sail away in the Black Pearl, but Elizabeth exposes the zombie pirates’ plans: the medallion she wore was part of a cursed treasure, and whoever steals from it becomes an ugly zombie skeleton. The only way to turn back the curse is to return every coin as well as the blood of everyone who stole the treasure. The pirates of the Black Pearl are working with her would-be fiance Commodore Norrington, who plans to use Elizabeth’s blood to shift the curse from the pirates to everyone inside the Port Royal prison, including Snake and Sparrow, and turn them into the ultimate, unkillable zombie army. Though Elizabeth’s is the last missing coin, her blood did not break the curse. She confesses that she stole the coin from Will Turner years ago, which has turned her into an undead skeleton zombie. Sparrow confirms that Will’s father was a pirate of the Black Pearl who stole the coin and sent it to Will, and even though Will didn’t exactly steal anything and isn’t an undead skeleton zombie, only his blood will stop the curse. While the group debates who did what and whether it will make someone a zombie skeleton by proxy, Snake seethes with fury because he’s seen what being a skeleton zombie will do to his hair, and he will not allow his luscious feathered locks to become so bedraggled. He vows to stop Norrington and the pirates and enact his own justice.

Snake leads his ragtag crew to the crow’s nest, where they take off in hang gliders and fly into the cave, to a big cavern where the cursed treasure was originally found. A futile gunfight ensues until Will Turner is shot, his blood sprays everywhere and lands inside of the treasure chest. Everyone who was an undead skeleton zombie is now turned back into human form, and it becomes an ugly bloodbath. During the fracas, Commodore Norrington steals a coin from the treasure chest and escapes to his ship. Snake pursues him and catches up as Norrington is climbing into an escape pod that will launch him into space and then redirect him to anywhere on earth that he wants to go. Norrington plans on escaping the fight only to come back later and switch the curse to the inmates of Port Royal. Snake shoots him in the leg, preventing him from getting inside the capsule.

Commodore Norrington pleads with Snake, begging him not to throw the coin into the capsule and blow it up, as doing so would prevent the curse from ever being reversed, and because the capsule is the property of the Free World, and worth millions of dollars. Instead, Snake tosses the coin into the capsule and sets it off into space with no return, thus turning everyone on earth into undead skeleton zombies except for those not part of the Free World—including Snake and inmates of New York, Los Angeles, and Port Royal maximum-security prisons.

Snake grunts and welcomes Norrington to the new world. He lights a cigarette and saunters off into the night.


Hope you enjoyed Better with Predator Snake Plissken! Don’t forget to hop over to Angela’s blog for some hilarious My Little Pony pirate action.

If you’re enjoying the site, subscribe for more! The RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my debut novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives. Continue reading

Better with Predator: Fifty Shades of Predator

50ShadesofPredatorWe’re back for another Predator mash-up! This is the series where I take a famous book or movie and I twist the tale by adding Predator. At the same time, my writing buddy, Angela Wallace, chooses a famous tale and mashes it up by adding My Little Pony.

Since February is the month of love, we’ve taken two love stories (uh, kinda) and twisted them. My selection for you is the international sensation/fan-fiction gone wrong FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Angela’s taken the classier route and riffed Shakespeare’s classic story, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.

Did we make them better or worse? I don’t know, but they’re definitely funnier. And on my scoreboard that means we won. I’ll include a link to Angela’s story at the end of this post, so you don’t have to hop back and forth between the two sites.

Okay, let’s get on with it! Here’s Fifty Shades of Predator!

Ana Steele is a college senior who works part-time at a hardware store. She lives in Portland with her best friend, an aspiring journalist. When Ana’s roommate comes down with the flu, she begs Ana to take her place and interview 27-year-old Christian Grey as part of her expose on underground sporting events among the obscenely wealthy. She tells Ana that Christian Grey is a competitor sponsored by Bill Gates in a private hunt, though she’s been been unable to gain any additional information because of its secrecy. She says it is her only chance to speak with Christian because he is about to enter the competition and then he’ll be incommunicado.

Ana agrees to interview Christian on her roommate’s behalf. Because she’s never interviewed anyone before, she stumbles through their hour-long meeting. Christian alludes to the secret hunt, but he refuses to say what they’re hunting, how often the hunt occurs, or who’s involved. Ana leaves feeling guilty because she thinks she completely screwed up the interview. Her roommate is visibly disappointed in the lack of information Ana was able to gather, but says she did well enough.

A few days later, Ana is surprised when Christian walks into the department store where she’s working. She helps him locate a variety of items: a squirt bottle, lighter fluid, and duct tape. Ana suspects he’s making a miniature flamethrower for the next hunt. Curious about this illegal sport, Ana tells Christian that her roommate would also like photographs to go along with the article. Christian pays for the items and they exchange information.

That night, Ana receives a package from Christian containing pages of printed email exchanges between famous millionaires and competitors who participated in previous hunts. Though the exchanges speak in great detail about dates, supplies, and incredibly advanced weaponry, the information on what they’re hunting is incredibly vague. The only name Ana can glean from the papers is “Predator.” Furthermore, Ana and her roommate discover that every participant named in previous hunts has died from mysterious and gruesome accidents, and Christian is the only competitor in the last five hunts to survive. Later, Christian calls and says the next hunt is about to begin and that he probably won’t live through it, and thus is ready to answer her questions. The roommate is still puking her guts out from the flu, so Ana agrees to meet him.

An hour later, a helicopter arrives to take Ana to Christian’s apartment in Seattle. Once there, Christian seems nervous and confesses that he regrets bringing her there. He takes her to a room that’s stocked with high-tech weaponry and gear, most of which is so expensive that even modern militaries can’t afford it. Christian asks Ana to sign a non-disclosure agreement, forbidding her to repeat anything he tells her. She refuses and leaves the apartment.

As she reaches the helicopter pad, she hears a strange series of clicks behind her, but can’t locate its source. Thinking it’s Christian pursuing her, she breaks into a run for the helicopter.

Just before she reaches the door, red laser beams streak overhead. The helicopter explodes in a ball of searing fire and black smoke, and the blast throws Ana backward through the air. Shards of metal and glass pepper the platform and easily slice through Ana’s clothes, cutting her skin. Her body slams down on the far edge of the roof and she nearly rolls over the side when something hard clamps down on her ankle and jerks her back. Her eyes struggle to focus through the smoke and sweltering heat, and she blinks rapidly at the wavering air above her, which she believes to be a trick of the light and fumes.

To her shock, the wavering fumes begin to coalesce, leaving a tall, muscular monster hovering over her, its black dreads dangling around its silver mask. Ana is too frightened to move or even scream. She watches as the monster kneels beside her. It clamps one armored hand around her throat. With the other hand, it digs a finger into a deep cut, scooping out fresh blood. With it, the monster draws a symbol on her cheek. And then it stands.

Shouts and new laser fire shake Ana out of her stupor. She sees Christian running from the nearby door toward her. The monster stands, though it does not seem afraid. It vanishes. Ana watches the distorted air over her turn and run toward the roof’s edge, where it vaults effortlessly over the side and out of sight.

Christian arrives at Ana’s side and kneels down. He explains that the sport is not a hunt at all—it’s a game of survival against a savage alien race who takes human skulls as trophies. They do not know the alien race’s name, so they simply refer to them as Predators. Unfortunately, the marking on Ana’s cheek means she has been chosen for the next human hunt, and, whether she wishes to participate or not, the Predator will come for her. She must learn to defend herself or die.


Hope you enjoyed Fifty Shades of Predator! There wasn’t as much action as I was hoping for because the original book doesn’t have a lot of “plot” to work with. And when I say “plot,” I’m using sarcastic finger-quotes. To make up for it, and give us our fill of laser beams and carnage, I’ll mash up the sequel soon.

Don’t forget to hop on over to Angela Wallace’s site and check out her Friendship is Magic/Much Ado About Nothing mashup!

If you like what you’re seeing here on the site, please subscribe for more: the RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my new book release about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives. THE FOURTH CHANNEL is available as an ebook on and Barnes & Noble. Continue reading

Better with Predator: Twilight

Predator Today, we’re embarking on a new blog series. A while back, I was involved in a debate on whether everything can be improved with Predator.

That’s right, Predator. He’s scary-cool. He’s from space. He has a cloaking device. He shoots lasers. He hunts Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is there anything Predator can’t do?

Well, besides killing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Anyway, we’re going to put this “Better than Predator” theory to the test by taking a story, dropping Predator in it, and seeing if the result isn’t awesome. And because I was looking for a challenge, our first test will begin with the sparkly, teeny-bop phenomenon Twilight. It’s a tough challenge. A lot of people love Twilight. An equal amount, yours truly included, really don’t understand Twilight. Can Predator make sparkling vampires awesome? (Or, depending on your view of sparkling vampires, more awesome?)

We’re about to find out.

But wait, there’s more! For this series, I’m teaming up with Angela Wallace, who is doing her own take by adding My Little Pony to a different selection of stories. This month’s feature mixes My Little Pony with the Lord of the Rings for a truly fun (and funny) read. When you’re all wrapped up here, head on over to Angela’s for Friendship is Magic: Lord of the Rings. I’ll link it again at the bottom of the post so you don’t have to search around.

And now, without further ado: TWILIGHT & PREDATOR!

Twilight and Predator

Isabella “Bella” Swan moves from sunny Phoenix, Arizona to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her father. Bella attracts attention at her new school because she has a tan and because there is absolutely nothing going on in dinky little Forks. She is quickly befriended by a group of cool students and, much to the audience’s dismay, several emo-looking boys compete for her affection.

Later, Bella is asked to tutor students who are falling behind in science classes. She agrees and is partnered with Edward Cullen, who spends the first half hour sniffing her. Bella becomes frustrated and recommends that Edward be dropped from the course so he can attend woodshop and eat glue. Angered, Edward jumps up from his desk, shouting, “You stink like poo!” and runs from the room. He stays absent for the next few days.

When Edward returns to school, Bella’s tutoring sessions resume and they become fast friends. Eventually, Bella realizes Edward is stalking her and breaking into her house. Naturally, she falls madly in love with him.

Bella’s life takes a strange turn when, while standing in the school parking lot, a strange, cloaked figure throws a van at them. Edward protects Bella by stopping the van with his bare hands, then rushes her into the school. Despite being visibly frightened, Edward refuses to discuss the incident.

Bella becomes determined to find out what happened in the parking lot and how Edward had saved her life. She begins an amateur investigation by doing a single Google search and discovers a Native American legend of a space traveler who hunts vampires for their sparkly skins and sells them all across the galaxy as exotic rugs.

Armed with this knowledge, Bella confronts Edward. He takes Bella into the woods and confesses he has a horrible, disfiguring disease that has not only turned him into a vampire, it makes him sparkle like a disco ball when exposed to sunlight. He confirms the legend she had been told and gives a name to the interstellar hunter: Predator, a fierce alien warrior who uses thermography to observe and target his prey. Luckily, vampires have no heat signature so they have some protection, but not much—Edward goes on to explain that the reason the Cullens live in the overcast town is to conceal their skin disease, as sparkles happen to be the worst camouflage ever. Furthermore, Predator’s attack at the school means Edward’s family has been found, and the attacks will only escalate until Edward and his family are spread out on an alien’s foyer floor. Finally, Edward confesses his love for Bella and asks her to be his vampire wife for eternity, or at least until Predator kills one of them. Bella refuses because that’s dumb.

During a thunderstorm, Edward invites Bella to meet his family and participate in a game of vampire baseball. Though the sounds of the game are mostly masked by the storm, Predator uses his awesome tracking equipment to analyze the sounds and follows them to the field. He sees Bella’s heat signature and starts blowing up the surrounding area with his lasers. Edward throws Bella headlong into a puddle and rolls her around, covering her completely in mud to cover her heat signature. Predator returns to his spaceship. Bella breaks up with Edward and says she’s better off dating one of those lame emo boys from school.

Later, Bella goes into the woods by herself and falls asleep, because she apparently has never watched a slasher movie before. When she wakes, she catches Edward hiding in a tree, still employing his brilliant stalker tactic to win her love. Bella yells at him, threatening to file a restraining order against him when Edward hears a rapid clicking noise. Three red points of light, in a triangle formation, shine on Bella’s forehead. Edward tackles Bella to the ground just as a laser shoots from nearby bushes and blows up a tree that Bella was standing in front of. They realize Predator is using Bella’s heat signature to find Edward. Edward lifts Bella onto his back, shouts, “Hang on, Spider Monkey!” and speeds off into the trees, dodging laser fire, exploding trees and rocks, and is able to leave Predator behind.

After the second attack, the Cullens try to protect Edward by separating him and Bella. Edward, unable to contain his love and his stalker ways, follows Bella to a hotel in Phoenix where she is hiding. Unbeknownst to Edward, Predator had also tracked Bella to the hotel and is lying in wait for Edward to show up. A battle ensues. Predator blows up a lot of stuff with his awesome lasers and Edward is quickly captured. Predator takes Edward to his spaceship but handcuffs the vampire outside, using Edward as bait to lure the rest of the Cullen clan.

The Cullens arrive in Phoenix and Bella shows them where Edward is being held. Predator, cloaked and hiding nearby, sees Bella’s heat signature and triggers nets to fall all around her. Sadly—I mean, luckily— the Cullens had expected an attack and were hiding at a distance in the shade.

Bella leads Predator away from the spaceship so the Cullens can free Edward. Tragically, the magnitude of the Cullens’s combined sparkles under the hot, Phoenix sun is absolutely blinding and none of the vampires can see through the sparkles to untie him. Bella returns to the spaceship and has just enough time to free Edward before Predator returns. The air alights with laser fire and everything around them starts to explode awesomely.

The Cullens know the only way they can escape is to erase Bella’s heat signature. Edward’s father says to kill Bella, but Edward refuses. Instead, Edward bites Bella’s hand. Her heat signature takes a few moments to dissipate, and in the meantime Predator awesomely blows up a few more things with his kick-ass lasers. Then, while Bella is sick and starts to undergo the process of becoming a vampire, the Cullens make their escape. Edward asks Bella one more time to become his sparkly vampire wife. Bella refuses because that is dumb, so Edward sucks the sparkle-poison out of her body, returning her humanity and heat signature.

Later, Edward barely scrapes by his science class and finally graduates high school because the 100th time is a charm. He and Bella attend prom together. Predator immediately heads to Italy, as he has a lead on a bunch of vampires there and he needs at least three sparkle skins to improve his ROI.


Hope you enjoyed TWILIGHT & PREDATOR! I’d love to hear from you, so let me know in the comments below. Also, if you want to challenge any other story with the “Predator” theory, leave a comment to let me know what we should tackle next. Don’t forget to check out Angela Wallace’s mash-up of My Little Pony & Lord of the Rings.

If you like what you’re seeing here on the site, please subscribe for more: the RSS link is in the sidebar, and you can also connect with me on Twitter and Facebook. You can also pick up my new book release about a comically bad necromancer and her talking sacrificial knives. THE FOURTH CHANNEL is available as an ebook on and Barnes & Noble. Continue reading