Ridiculous Fan Fiction: Eureka Part Two!

Eureka Main Street

[spouseditor’s note] Muahaha! Jen is away and I’m posting part two early, just for you!

Read part one first!

“I don’t know about this.” Jack bent at the waist, looking at the thin, silver spacesuit he had wrestled on. He thought he looked like a cheesy extra from Planet of the Apes. “Is this going to protect me from space cooties?”


Jack made a complete turn inside the small, square vestibule and faced Henry, who sat at a console on the other side of a thick pane of protective glass. Continue reading “Ridiculous Fan Fiction: Eureka Part Two!”

Ridiculous Fan Fiction: Eureka Part One!

EurekaCast_CafeDiem Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

The door to Cafe Diem swung open, ringing the little silver bell hanging from the doorframe. Everyone paused to glance at the uniformed man strolling through the door. He wandered through the collection of round tables scattered around the storefront and sat down at the counter. A plump, curly haired man in an apron materialized—literally, in a dazzling spectacle of lights and smoke—from behind the espresso machine. With one hand he waved away the smoke pouring from his curly hair and with the other he smoothed his apron. As he turned, he noticed the uniformed man staring at him.

“Oh! Hi, Sheriff.”

“Hey Vincent.”

Vincent hustled over to the counter. “I’m so sorry. Have you been waiting long? I was in my infinite pantry getting some voatsiperifery for today’s special.” Continue reading “Ridiculous Fan Fiction: Eureka Part One!”

The Fourth Channel: Cover Reveal and Chapter One!

Okay, gang. I promised a cover reveal for my first novel, THE FOURTH CHANNEL, and I’m going to deliver. The novel is very close to being finished. All that’s really left to do is wrap up the edits and let you read it.

I’m nervous and excited. I mean, you all know how nervous I get just posting “Ridiculous Fan Fiction” on my site, and that isn’t serious. The novel’s a whole different ball of wax. So, yeah. I’m nervous. Over the last year, I’ve worked hard at creating a “platform” with blogging and social media. I’ve met so many of you who enjoy my goofy articles. It’s because of you and your amazing feedback that I keep writing and thinking of more ways that I can entertain, not just you, but me, too.

But the book release is the moment of truth: are you going to like my novel?

God, I hope so.

The Fourth Channel Cover

And there’s the cover. Pretty damn awesome, right? Many thanks to Amber Shah, who designed it.

As I said before, the story is Anita Blake meets Stephanie Plum with crazy talking sacrificial knives. Hit the jump for the entire first chapter. Please enjoy. Continue reading “The Fourth Channel: Cover Reveal and Chapter One!”

Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 3

Snake Plissken Hey gang — my apologies for the long site outage last week. I really appreciate your patience.

This is the conclusion of a three-part story, inspired by Snake Plissken month. Read part 1 and part 2.

Snake bursts through a heavy metal door onto the roof of Barnes and Noble. The night air is cool, but not as cool as Snake’s black leather wife beater which dully reflects the moonlight. It’s hip, yet breezy. It’s a look that says “I’ll beat your ass and look great doing it, too.”

The former Duke of Starbucks is right behind Snake. He dashes to the corner of the roof where a lone black hang glider is chained to a bike rack. A dog tag hangs from the handlebar. It reads “A-Number One”.

Snake’s eye narrows. “Who the hell is going to steal a hang glider?”

“One never knows,” the former Duke says and removes the chain.

Together, they hoist the glider up. Snake positions himself a few feet from the edge of the roof. The city lights spread out before him; the cacophony of the traffic below shatters the serenity.

The former Duke points straight ahead, in the direction Snake had come. “That way,” he says, then pauses. He turns to Snake with a look of worry. “You know, you don’t have to go back. I make a mean soy latte, and if your stomach is upset, well, our bathrooms are clean.”

Snake stares straight ahead into the darkness. “No way,” he hisses. “Everyone knows I finish with an epic fight before disappearing into the night.”

The former Duke nods and steps back. “Good luck, Snake. Not that you need it.”

Snake lopes toward the edge of the roof, each step taking him closer to the fifty-foot drop. At the last possible second, he pushes off with one foot. The black sail catches the wind and billows, pulling Snake upward and away from the building. As he sails away, he hears the former Duke shout, “Farewell, Snake, Duke of Starbucks!”

Snake soars over the busy streets and brightly lit buildings, and back down the dark, empty street from whence he came. After just a moment he sees Hauk’s Starbucks and descends. The parking lot is now half-empty, giving him plenty of space to land. As he comes down, he aims for the hipsters, kicking the boyfriend’s face as he sails overhead.

A familiar, high-pitched scream fills the air. “You broke my nose, man! And you messed up my hair!”

Snake hits the ground running and, once he’s regained his balance, he releases the hang glider. Snake slows to a stop. The glider continues on and slams headfirst into the hipster boyfriend’s Prius. The piercing cry of the car’s sissy alarm fills the air. Snake stands back to admire his handiwork, then stalks into the store.

The store has been straightened up since he left, and his sudden reappearance causes employees and customers alike to stop what they’re doing and snap to attention. Snake approaches the counter and gazes at the barista girl uneasily with his one eyeball.

“Where’s the other guy?” Snake growls. “Who are you?”

The barista girl’s eyes widen. “I’m Beth. Charlie had to go home and change his pants.”

“Oh, right.” Snake’s eye darts around the room, then back to Beth. “Where’s Hauk?”

“He hasn’t come back yet.”

A low growl emits from Snake’s throat. His upper lip twitches.

Beth takes a startled step back. “I’m sorry!”

Snake stops and glares back. “What? No — that’s how I laugh.” He produces the bottle of sugar-free vanilla syrup and sets it on the counter. “Now make me a venti soy latte with some of this syrup.”

“Absolutely, Sir. Anything else?”

“Yeah. Give me the keys to your bathroom.”

He heads for the bathroom. As Snake reaches for the door handle, he hears a familiar voice.


Snake turns to see Hauk standing at the front door. It’s clear from Hauk’s expression that he’s unhappy to see that Snake has returned.

Snake glowers back and holds up his wrist, showing that he still has 27 seconds left. “The syrup is with the baristas. You lose, Hauk.”

“Not so fast, Snake. I hear you’ve become the Duke of Starbucks.”

“That’s right. I’m A-Number One.”

“We have a problem then.” Hauk steps away from the door and walks to a display table. A long wooden pole is set in the middle of the table, bearing a poster that reads “Coffee of the Month!” Bags of whole and ground beans, available in regular and decaf, are stacked on the table around the pole. Hauk snatches the wooden pole from the table, knocking coffee bags to the floor. “Because I was set to become the next Duke!”
The customers and employees let out a startled gasp. Their eyes all turn to Snake.

Snake sneers in amusement. “I’m not gonna fight you, Hauk. And do you want to know why?” He throws up his hands. “Because it’s stupid.”

Hauk’s eyes widen. His bald pate flushes red. “You’re going to fight me — and lose! En garde!” He raises his stick like a sword. Screaming maniacally, he charges forward.

Snake dives to the left, crashing into a small wooden table and a set of chairs. Hauk runs straight into the bathroom door where Snake had just stood, inadvertently jamming the pole into his gut. Hauk grunts and bounces backward, then doubles over.

Snake scrambles to his feet and runs to Hauk. He grabs the stick away and runs to the ruined coffee display, but not before smacking Hauk hard on the rump.

“Ow!” Hauk snaps upright, grabbing his sore backside. “You jerk!” He quickly looks around and sees the keys hanging from the bathroom doorknob. He opens the door and rushes in, looking around wildly. A mop and bucket are sitting in the corner. Hauk grabs the mop and returns to the store, holding it aloft.

Snake shrugs. “Let me guess. En garde again?”

Hauk doesn’t answer. He simply charges.

This time, Snake meets the stick-sword challenger head on. He steps to the side and swings. As the sticks collide, a loud smacking echoes. Customers shriek. Hauk swings again in a powerful arc. Snake blocks, grabbing his stick from both ends and shoving it into the path of the mop. He pushes Hauk’s weapon away, causing Hauk to stumble backward.

“Um, Mr. Snake, Sir?” Beth waves at him from behind the counter. “Your latte’s up.”

Snake glares. He wants to drink his coffee right away because he only likes it piping hot. Lukewarm coffee sucks.

Snake steps toward the coffee bar and reaches for his latte. Just before he can grasp the cup, Hauk rights himself and swings out, reaching for Snake’s wrist. The contact makes a painful slapping sound and Snake yelps — but in a manly way.

“Ow! Dammit!”

Hauk grins and raises his mop like a sword, ready to swing. Snake drops his stick. He reaches over the barista counter and grabs a large white canister.

Hauk swings. This time, Snake is ready. He grabs the mop with his free hand and jerks hard, pulling Hauk forward. As the bald face nears, Snake aims the canister and sprays.

Thick whipped cream coats Hauk’s eyes and nose, blinding and disorienting him. His mouth opens and closes like a guppy.

Snake yanks the mop, spinning Hauk around, and leads him back to the bathroom. He shoves Hauk inside and locks the door behind. He jams a wooden chair under the door handle. As Snake turns away, he hears Hauk’s angry, muffled screams from the bathroom.

“Snake! You can’t do this! I’ll become the next Duke of Starbucks! Watch your back!”

Snake ignores his cries. He passes by the barista counter, ignoring his latte, and heads for the door.

“Um, Mr. Snake?” Beth points at the cup on the end of the counter. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

At the door, Snake pauses. He turns toward Beth and scowls.

“I’m switching to tea.”

With that, Snake turns and walks out the door, disappearing into the night.

Thanks for coming along and participating in the Snake Plissken, um, month and a half. Hope you enjoyed it! Who should I fanfic next? Any suggestions? Leave them in the comments below! I would love to hear who you guys think is fanfic worthy.

Come on back in a few days — I’m going to have an announcement and some news. Subscribe to the site using the RSS links on the sidebar, on Twitter, or on Facebook. Yes, that’s right, I now have a Facebook page, so go and like me. We’ll be buddies. Continue reading “Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 3”

Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 2

Snake Shirtless Welcome back to Snake Plissken Month, where we are supposed to celebrate Snake Plissken, but I didn’t because I was really nervous about writing a part 2 and not doing as well as I did on part 1. Hey, I’m human. Still, I hope you’re all enjoying the month of Snake, celebrating in your own black-clad way.

If this is your first time joining us, read Part 1!

With only 16 minutes left, Snake has no time to be choosy. He heads for the nearest of the three Starbucks, the smallest building on the left corner. He bursts through the entrance and sends a display of environmentally-friendly, made-from-recycled-plastic travel mugs flying across the store. They ricochet off of walls, customers, and Police Commissioner Bob Hauk’s shiny bald head.

Snake does a double-take at Hauk.

“Hauk,” he hisses.

“Hello, Snake. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“I know, but how did you get here?”

“I have a car.”

Snake’s eyes narrow. A low, raspy growl reverberates from his throat. “If you have a car, why did you send me?”

“That’s not important. What’s important is the syrup –” A sly smile spreads across Hauk’s face. “ – and this place is all out.”

“I’m going to beat your ass, Hauk.”

Hauk laughs. “But you don’t have a weapon.”

“Oh no?”

Snake grabs a bag of chocolate-coated blueberries from the nearest display case and rips open the top. “Everything’s a weapon to me, Hauk!” Snake lobs a blueberry. The hard, purple confection beans Hauk between the eyes and bounces away.

“Ow! You’re a dick, Snake!”

Snake hisses a laugh. “Sticks and stones, Hauk.” He chucks another candy.

Hauk ducks, narrowly missing another hit, jumps back behind the counter, and sprints for the door. More purple candies pelt the walls, following Hauk to the employee break room, where he ducks out a back door.

Snake pops a candy into his mouth and checks his wrist timer. 14 minutes. He turns away and stalks back outside, where the intersection collision has completely gridlocked traffic. Two police cruisers are parked on the opposite side of the street, their red and blue lights flashing. Drivers are out of their cars, shouting at each other and at the police to clear the roads. Someone sees Snake and points. People turn and stare. More people point.

Snake shrugs back and crosses the street.  Horns blare as he weaves between the cars and approaches the next Starbucks, a square brick building with a drive-thru window. By now, he’s feeling a little discomfort in his stomach and he’s thinking about a bathroom.

As he approaches the door, a clerk in a green apron is taping up a sign that says “Temporarily Closed.” Snake pulls on the door anyway, because people who follow signs are sissies. Unfortunately the door does not open.
“We’re closed,” the clerk shouts through the door. “Some bald jerk cherry-bombed the toilet. It’s a mess in here.”

Snake’s eyes narrow into angry slits. He hisses, “I’m gonna make him sorry.”

The clerk shouts, “What?”

“I’m gonna make Hauk sorry.”

The clerk presses his ear against the glass door. “I still can’t hear you. What are you doing?”

“Playing with myself!” He turns away and growls, “I’m going in.”

The third Starbucks is on the next corner, inside a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Despite the late hour, it appears to be open and very busy. Snake dodges around the cars and jogs into the parking lot, noting a long line of customers inside who are waiting for a midnight book release. Snake storms into the store and looks around for the coffee counter. He sees it at the far end of the store, tucked behind the magazine section. He tries pushing through the crowd but it’s so thick that he can barely move. The crowd becomes agitated. People start screaming at him, refusing to move in case they lose their place in line.

He ducks into the magazine rack and grabs the latest copies of Guns & Ammo and Maxim magazines. He rolls them up and holds one in each hand. He steps back out into the aisle, arms swinging wildly, yet pointedly, at customers.

Whap! Slap!

Customers start screaming, desperate to get away from this black, eye-patched whirlwind.

Whap! Slap!

A floor manager pushes toward him. “Sir,” he says sternly. “Please —”

Whap! Slap! Slappety-slap! Whap!

The manager wails a high-pitched scream and runs out of Snake’s arm range. Customers follow his example and the crowd parts like Moses and the Red Sea. Snake halts his assault and tosses the copy of Guns & Ammo back over his shoulder. He starts to throw the Maxim, but notices Malin Akerman on the cover. He stuffs it into his back pocket for later.

Snake likes blonde, butt-kicking ladies.

He leaves the bookstore behind, stepping through a small opening between two low walls that encompass the coffee space. He dodges tall racks stuffed with useless impulse purchase items like key chains, bookmarks, and ceramic mugs. A large group has gathered on the left side in a tight circle. Some people are even standing on tables and chairs to see into the middle of the crowd.

There’s no one at the counter so Snake elbows his way into the group – literally. Pained shouts and cries erupt around Snake and the crowd swells, trying to escape, but the bodies are packed too tightly.

A male voice shouts over the crowd, “Stop!”

The crowd stills. Their voices fall silent. Everyone stands frozen, as if waiting for further instructions.

The voice commands again, “Move!”

The crowd backs up slowly, orderly, widening the circle, until Snake finds himself standing face to face with a thin man in a green apron. A sailor’s hat made from newspaper rests on his head and a metal chain with a Pokemon medallion hangs around his neck.

“Snake Plissken,” he says. “I heard you were coming. I also heard you were dead and I thought you’d be taller. Do you know who I am?”

Snake shrugs. “Of course. You’re the Duke of Starbucks, A-Number One.”

“That’s right.” His eyes widen suddenly and he leans in, as if about to share a secret. “Actually, this isn’t a real Starbucks. I mean, we sell Starbucks coffee, but like, we’re actually Barnes and Noble. You know?”

“Yeah.” Snake jerks his head in the direction of the barista counter. “I’m here for the sugar-free vanilla syrup.”

Duke straightens again. He nods. “Yeah, Hauk said you’d be coming for it. There’s only one problem.” He holds up a white iPad. “You’re going to have to compete for it.”

He tosses the iPad to Snake, who catches it with one hand. The crowd murmurs appreciatively.

“What’s this?” Snake snarls.

“It’s an iPad.”

“iPads are overpriced pieces of crap. I prefer electronics that run open-source firmware.”

Duke puts a hand on his hip. “This is a Barnes and Noble, Snake. We don’t have that here.”

“Fine, what do I have to do? Beat you with this until you give me syrup? Because I can do that.”

“No, Snake.” Duke reaches behind him and produces another iPad. “You’re going to have to Draw Something! No one’s ever beaten me, Snake. What do you think of that?”

Snake glares back. His voice is a threatening growl. “I think you better not have stuffed this iPad into your pants before giving it to me,” he says, holding up the iPad, “because if you did, I’m going to come over there and beat your ass.”

“Of course not. Now play!”

Snake looks at the iPad in his hand. User “DukeisAwesome” begins to draw a crude stick figure with frizzy hair, then a second stick figure with an X over it, then a crescent moon. Squiggles are added to the space around everything. The picture is indiscernible. It looks like a kindergarten assignment.

Duke looks up, triumphant. “Do you know what I’ve drawn, Snake? If you don’t, you lose!”

“It’s obvious,” Snake says nonchalantly. “You’ve drawn existential nihilism; the idea that life is without significance, that human beings are without purpose and unable to change the totality of existence.”

The crowd oohs and aahs. Duke’s eyes widen and his cheeks flush a deep crimson.

Snake smiles. “Is it my turn now?”

He draws. His image is of a bearded stick figure with soft, feathery hair and an eye patch beating the crap out of another stick figure wearing a Starbucks apron. Snake draws tiny droplets of blood flying everywhere and a large pool on the ground. On the figure wearing a Starbucks apron, he draws tiny x’s for eyes. A red tongue lolls out of the beaten stick figure’s mouth. The crowd gasps and murmurs fearfully.

Snake looks up and smiles. “Now what did I draw?”

As Duke stares at his iPad, his confident stance changes. His shoulders slump and he hugs his arms across himself protectively. The crowd cheers. A chant starts to emerge in their cheers. Before long, everyone is shouting Snake’s name.

“You win,” Duke says. “You’re the Duke now, Snake. A-Number One.”

“The name’s Plissken. Now where’s the syrup?”

The crowd cheers and swarms around him, clapping him on the shoulder and shaking his hand. Someone hands him a bottle of sugar-free syrup.

Snake checks his wrist timer. He has only 4 minutes to return to Hauk. There’s no way he’s going to make it in time. Even if he hijacked a car, the street is impassible.

“I gotta get out of here,” Snake says.

The former Duke perks up. “I’ve got a glider on the roof. It’s all yours, but there’s no wind.”

“I don’t need wind,” Snake says, tossing his magical mane of feathered hair. “I’m Snake Plissken.”

Snake follows him to the stairwell.

Will Snake make it back to Hauk in time? Will he ever find a bathroom? Stay tuned for next week — for real this time, because Snake Month is almost over. Continue reading “Ridiculous Fanfic: Escape from Seattle Part 2”