Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss February 2012

PinCushion Step aside, George Clooney and Heidi Klum — the sci-fi pinups are back by popular demand!

Crowning this month’s Mr. and Miss was no simple task. I had no idea how I was going to top a three-breasted chick and a deranged super-human whose name you’ll enjoy screaming either in the throes of passion or as he’s trying to stuff a gigantic, brain-controlling bug in your ear. Lucky for us, the universe is vast and full of weirdness, giving us plenty to choose from.

This month’s sci-fi babes are out of this world — and they each have their own theme songs.

Miss February comes from the planet Krypton, where she pursued a career in insurrection. After moving to Earth, she had an eye-opening tour of the White House and decided to try her hand at politics. Her ambition is to become the ruler of the entire world.

I love a woman with goals.

This sci-fi hottie rose to the top of the competition by beating the ever-living crap out of the other candidates. She is…

Ursa_Superman_II

Ursa from Superman II!

Miss February likes burning things alive with her laser eyesight, wearing clothes that look like she’s been mauled by a tiger, and buttons. Especially if they’re your buttons. Those buttons will soon be hers.

Her turn-offs are floating around space in a stupid plate of glass, the Son of Jor-El, people who don’t kneel before Zod, and your annoying girlfriend. In fact, if you have any girlfriends lying around, she’ll be happy to get rid of them for you.

If you plan on having a hot night out with Miss February, be sure to check in with your priest or rabbi beforehand. Because the town is going to be painted red.

In your blood. (She hates men.)

And now, here’s her theme song! Please be advised, it’s NSFW.

Chorus:
Ursa, sh-t kicking, ass-kicking queen of the universe
Her name will make grown men cower
Ursa, sh-t kicking, ass-kicking queen of the universe
Her name will make grown men cower

Adorable, right? But we’re not done yet. Now it’s time for our hot sci-fi hunk!

Mr. February is ready for action because he’s made of hard light, which makes him virtually indestructible. He’s from our home planet Earth but spends his time in deep space, seeking out danger and searching out peril.

And then finding the best way to run away from it.

He is…

Rimmer_Terraform

Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf!

Mr. February’s a man of few words. In the bedroom, the only word you’re likely to hear him utter is “Geronimo”. His current career as a chicken soup machine repairman may not seem like much at first glance, but it’s a nice vacation from one of his past lives, when he was Alexander the Great’s chief eunuch. His work also allows time to pursue his lifelong passion of discovering alien civilizations. At one point he thought he had done so, though, instead of finding a six-breasted alien woman, it turns out he had only found a roast chicken.

Arnold likes green-beret haircuts, Morris dancing (whatever that is), incorrectly quoting Space Corps directives, and failing the astro-navigation exam repeatedly. His turn-offs are charm, style, and Dave Lister.

Mr. February has a special place in my heart, because he’s a character from one of my most favorite television shows of all time.

Here’s his theme song:

He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
He’s handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer
He will never need a zimmer

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Coming up is another epic showdown between two hotly-contested science fiction hunks and a requested review of Kingdoms of Amalur.

Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss February 2012”

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss January 2012

PinCushion During my Kirk vs. Picard article, I made a statement about breasts not being magical. Many of our straight male readers, being the Breast-Defenders they are, contacted me right away to explain how wrong I was. They were emphatic and persistent and eloquent. Surprisingly enough, it put men and the topic of breasts together in close quarters and yet it did not reduce any of these men to gibbering, drooling, cat-calling simpletons.

Breasts, they said, are totally magical. And a few of them repeatedly demanded that I retract my statement.

I’m afraid my statement stands. I won’t retract or delete it. However, I don’t want you to think that your complaints have gone unheard. I have heard you, boob-lovers! Your opinions are important to me and I will ensure that the world knows how you feel!

Therefore, it is with pride that I present the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Pinups of January 2012!

Here we go.

Miss January comes to us from the red planet Mars. She has no discernible talents, but that’s not important. Her turn-ons are stinky bars, men with money, hairspray, and weird frilly grandma sweaters. Her turn-offs are men who know how to get their ass to Mars. Miss January may have no talents, yet because of her “assets” she was easily able to knock the competition out of the galaxy! She is…

total-recall-hooker

…the three-breasted chick from Total Recall!

Obviously, Miss January was a shoo-in for this month’s crown because the only things more magical than breasts are MORE breasts. Also, her name is Mary. Really? Mary the futuristic space-hooker? She doesn’t strike me as a Mary. Maybe it’s the hair.

So here’s a little trivia about Miss January. Her appearance in the movie lasts 28 seconds and yet she’s one of the most remembered ladies in cinema. Mostly by men who dig boobs. Really. Ask your straight male friends about the chick with three boobs. They’ll say “Total Recall!” Every time. Really. This chick is so well-remembered that the character is being brought back for the Total Recall remake.

If you head out on the town with Miss January, I suggest you take a pair of protective goggles. I’ve seen the way she likes to whip those things out and fling them around, and I’m afraid she’s going to take someone’s eyes out. Safety first.

Hang on, Ladies! Don’t go anywhere. I’ve got a pinup for you, too.

Some say Mr. January is a genius; others say he’s insane. What they’ll all agree on is that this bad boy of space is 100% hunky muscles and long flowing hair! He’s got all the brains of a demented Picard, the action of Kirk, and he looks like Legolas on steroids. And that’s not all! Move over, Darth Vader — Mr. January’s also a genetically-engineered superhuman. He’s got a cult of his own and, once his heart is set on you, he’ll pursue you to the end of the universe. Even if it means he’s going to blow himself to smithereens.

He is…

Khan

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Mr. January is the perfect man. He has power. He has cunning. He has a prosthetic chest piece. He’s also knowledgeable about various types of insects. Turn-ons are killing James T. Kirk, killing James T. Kirk, and killing James T. Kirk. Turn-offs include not killing James T. Kirk.

Based on that list, I can surmise that a date with Mr. January entails dinner at a fine restaurant, followed by a little target practice (at James T. Kirk). Ooh la la! Can you say romance?

Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss January 2012”