satire – Jen Kirchner

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss August 2013

Pin Cushion Welcome back to another episode of science fiction pinups, the monthly segment where I reveal my ancient age by featuring old and obscure characters you’ve probably never heard of but really should know.

In related news, get off my lawn.

If this is your first time to the site, welcome! There are more pinups every month, and you can find other humor and satire in the other categories. At the moment, we’re running a Choose Your Own Adventure-style story where you choose the next step. It isn’t comedy, but it is exciting. And, of course, you’re welcome to join in the fun. So stick around! If you like what you see and want a little more, I also wrote a bestselling comic urban fantasy novel.

And now, without further ado, let’s announce the pinups!

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss July 2013

Pin Cushion Good news, gang! I bought a new calendar so that I won’t forget to announce our monthly sci-fi pinups… though I’ll totally procrastinate working on them anyway.

But hey, at least I won’t have an excuse.

And with that, welcome back to the Science Fiction & Fantasy Pinups, the monthly segment that’s almost always on time. Once a month we comb through the list of hotties and naughties and hard-rock bodies to crown the cream of the crop. But of course, it’s the sci-fi pinups, so they’re not exactly your momma’s Chippendales or your papa’s Playboy Playmates.

They’d be green-skinned Chippendales. With tentacles and laser beam eyes. And that would be hot. And the sci-fi version of Playboy Playmates would be whatever Captain Kirk takes his shirt off for.

Which is everything with legs.

Cobra Command Financially Down, But Not Out, Says Evil Empire’s Leadership

SECRET BASE—The Annual Shareholder Meeting at Cobra headquarters was somber as CEO Cobra Commander stood before investors and delivered the bad news: profits were down, and they had won only two battles in the last year. Though the first quarter had shown a significant increase in profits, the next three were riddled with large expenditures and poor management decisions. Analysts cite the determined efforts of Cobra’s evil nemeses, the G.I. Joes, as the key factor in their hardship.

“Real talk, guys,” Cobra Commander said in the midst of his thirty-one slide PowerPoint presentation that detailed their failures. “Winning against the Joes is getting tougher and tougher. They’ve got ‘knowing’ so they’ve already won half the battle. The most we could ever hope to win is the other half.”

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss June 2012

PinCushion Put your tractor beams on standby and set your phasers to stun — it’s time to announce the science fiction hotties of June!

No? That tagline didn’t work? How about “move over bacon, it’s time for something silicone-ier”?

Whatever your tagline poison, welcome back to another month of science fiction pinups, a fan-favorite segment where I procrastinate to the end of the month and then post two drool-worthy specimens for you to feast your eyes upon. If this is your first time joining us for Sci-Fi Pinups, or you simply want to relive the glory of our previous pinups, check out: January, February, March, April, and May.

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss May 2012

Let’s move on to the science fiction pinups! If this is your first time joining us for the sci-fi pinups, you should know: this isn’t your momma’s list of hotties. (Unless you have my mom, who, so far, has known all of our sci-fi hotties. My mother is pretty awesome — though she was pretty baffled at the popularity of the three-breasted chick from Total Recall. What can I say? Guys like boobs.) In this segment, we feature the men and women of science fiction who rev our minds as well as our loins. It’s not Fabio in space, people.

It’s better.