Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss August 2013

Pin Cushion Welcome back to another episode of science fiction pinups, the monthly segment where I reveal my ancient age by featuring old and obscure characters you’ve probably never heard of but really should know.

In related news, get off my lawn.

If this is your first time to the site, welcome! There are more pinups every month, and you can find other humor and satire in the other categories. At the moment, we’re running a Choose Your Own Adventure-style story where you choose the next step. It isn’t comedy, but it is exciting. And, of course, you’re welcome to join in the fun. So stick around! If you like what you see and want a little more, I also wrote a bestselling comic urban fantasy novel.

And now, without further ado, let’s announce the pinups!

Mr. August is a rags-to-riches story of a not-so-humble man who became a professional wrestler and then a porn superstar. After that, his ascension to President of the United States was practically guaranteed. He’s a man of the people, working hard to cure the problems of his mighty nation.

He is…

President Camacho House of Representin

President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho from Idiocracy!

In case you’re wondering, that’s an action shot of Mr. August giving his State of the Union Address at the House of Representin’.

Mr. August’s turn-offs are water, when everyone’s sh*t gets emotional, and reading. His turn-ons include the smartest person in the world doing his job for him, crushing the smartest person in the world with monster trucks when he isn’t doing that job fast enough, and Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator—it’s got electrolytes!

I went looking for some videos of Mr. August in action, but most of the videos have been removed due to copyright. However, I found something almost as good. Funny or Die has published new speeches by President Camacho.

Please be warned, these are not safe for work – they contain profanity… and a little insanity.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Miss August is a hottie out to save the world. She stands for what’s right and isn’t afraid to kick a little ass—even if she isn’t wearing pants. Demons don’t scare her, nor does darkness nor mortal danger. All she wants is to save a child from the minions of hell and have peace on earth. Nothing can stop her… save for being tied up in toilet paper.

She is…

Kee Nang - The Golden Child

…Kee Nang from The Golden Child!

Miss August’s turn-ons include goofy men who like kids and not getting killed. Her turn-offs include kid-snatchers, demons who can’t pronounce the letter “j,” and toilet paper.

Here’s a video of a pantsless Miss August in action:

Thanks for joining me for another episode of sci-fi pinups! To catch up on previous pinups, check out the link in the sidebar. And don’t forget, next week we’ll have the next episode of our Vote Your Adventure story, THE CURE!

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Pincushion photo courtesy of Lina-Sydney. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss August 2013”

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss July 2013

Pin Cushion Good news, gang! I bought a new calendar so that I won’t forget to announce our monthly sci-fi pinups… though I’ll totally procrastinate working on them anyway.

But hey, at least I won’t have an excuse.

And with that, welcome back to the Science Fiction & Fantasy Pinups, the monthly segment that’s almost always on time. Once a month we comb through the list of hotties and naughties and hard-rock bodies to crown the cream of the crop. But of course, it’s the sci-fi pinups, so they’re not exactly your momma’s Chippendales or your papa’s Playboy Playmates.

They’d be green-skinned Chippendales. With tentacles and laser beam eyes. And that would be hot. And the sci-fi version of Playboy Playmates would be whatever Captain Kirk takes his shirt off for.

Which is everything with legs.

So let’s get to it and announce our winners for July!

Mr. July is a sales clerk at a sporting goods store by day, and a jump-starter of evil undead apocalypses by night. He’s an experienced time traveler, renaissance man, and a total lady killer.

As long as that lady is the rotting undead spawn of hell and trying to rip off his face. Otherwise, he’s slightly awkward with the female gender.

Mr. July is…

Ash Williams - Army of Darkness

…Ash Williams from The Evil Dead!

Mr. July’s turn-ons include great values on home goods, his Boomstick, chainsaw hands, and hot women who first want to kill him and later want to kiss him. Turn-offs include his evil doppelganger, the undead, and memorization.

If you head out on the town with Mr. July, just remember: Klaatu Verata Nicto. You just might need it.

Here’s a clip of Mr. July not remembering the words and subsequently summoning the apocalypse, in the form of an evil undead army:

Hail to the king, baby.

Miss July may be a beauty for hire, but there’s no question that she’s her own woman. She’s smart, cultured, sharp-tongued, and knows how to be your perfect companion. This stunning beauty spends her time wandering the ‘verse with her rag-tag group of felony friends, seeing the sights, visiting her clients, and meeting interesting criminals. But don’t be fooled by her high manners and feminine wiles. She’ll cut you down to size with a pistol or one of her biting one-liners.

She is…

Inara Serra - Firefly

…Inara Serra from Firefly!

Miss July’s turn-ons include respect, honor, and ruggedly handsome spaceship captains who hide their feelings with biting one-liners. Her turn-offs include ruggedly handsome spaceship captains who hide their feelings with biting one-liners.

Now, I went looking for a great Inara video but couldn’t find much. People seem to be more interested in making fan tribute videos with crappy, sappy music behind them. I’ll make up for it by giving you guys another picture of our favorite companion.

Inara Serra - Firefly

And, of course, last month I promised I’d find some pinups swag for our gentlemen readers. And it just so happens that there’s some cool Firefly stuff out there. Think Geek has awesome posters of the Serenity women. Also, I found a pretty sweet peg doll set of the Firefly crew, lavender vanilla flavored Inara lip balm, a super groovy Inara t-shirt, and a funny t-shirt.

Thanks for stopping by! Stay tuned for next week when we continue THE CURE, our Choose Your Own Adventure-style series where you vote for the next step in the story. Subscribe to the RSS feed in the sidebar, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

Pincushion photo courtesy of Lina-Sydney. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss July 2013”

Cobra Command Financially Down, But Not Out, Says Evil Empire’s Leadership

G.I. Joe - COBRA LogoSECRET BASE—The Annual Shareholder Meeting at Cobra headquarters was somber as CEO Cobra Commander stood before investors and delivered the bad news: profits were down, and they had won only two battles in the last year. Though the first quarter had shown a significant increase in profits, the next three were riddled with large expenditures and poor management decisions. Analysts cite the determined efforts of Cobra’s evil nemeses, the G.I. Joes, as the key factor in their hardship.

“Real talk, guys,” Cobra Commander said in the midst of his thirty-one slide PowerPoint presentation that detailed their failures. “Winning against the Joes is getting tougher and tougher. They’ve got ‘knowing’ so they’ve already won half the battle. The most we could ever hope to win is the other half.”

But the evil association’s message wasn’t one devoid of hope. Following the dismal financial forecast, Emperor Serpentor took the stage and reiterated the group’s commitment to world domination and defeating “those damned Joes.” He detailed a plan that would put the company back in the black.

“We’re prepared to make sacrifices,” Serpentor told the group, “starting with Bob. You’re toast, pal. We’re also going to cut back on the amount of laser fire during our conflicts. Sure, heavy weapons fire that doesn’t actually hit anything is one of our most effective tactics, but it’s expensive. We’re going to cut back on the laser fire and supplement with laser pointers. I know a guy at a cat toy company who will sell us a bunch for cheap. Third, we’re thinking about moving our headquarters. Destro keeps a close eye on the Internet, and thinks that in Soviet Russia we may defeat the Joes.”

After the formal discussion ended, the Q&A session dissolved into needless finger pointing. “As the leader of this organization, I’m fully aware that the blame for our shortcomings falls solely on the shoulders of one person,” said Cobra Commander, “and that person is Baroness. Wait, did you think I was going to say it’s my fault? Don’t be ridiculous.” The meeting then broke out into a laser gun fight where no one was actually shot.

A high-ranking member of the G.I. Joes who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “We knew Cobra was holding a big meeting, so we sent our best spy to find their secret base and listen in on their plans. Unfortunately our best guy is Snake Eyes and he doesn’t talk, so he couldn’t tell us what was said. I’m sure it was the usual talk about how we suck and they’re going to take over the world. We’re not worried. They don’t even have the biological weapons Doctor Mindbender keeps bragging about. They’re just shell casings loaded with Pop Rocks and Canada Dry.”

A spokesperson for Cobra Command declined to comment. Continue reading “Cobra Command Financially Down, But Not Out, Says Evil Empire’s Leadership”

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss June 2012

PinCushion Put your tractor beams on standby and set your phasers to stun — it’s time to announce the science fiction hotties of June!

No? That tagline didn’t work? How about “move over bacon, it’s time for something silicone-ier”?

Whatever your tagline poison, welcome back to another month of science fiction pinups, a fan-favorite segment where I procrastinate to the end of the month and then post two drool-worthy specimens for you to feast your eyes upon. If this is your first time joining us for Sci-Fi Pinups, or you simply want to relive the glory of our previous pinups, check out: January, February, March, April, and May.

Miss June comes to us from a galaxy far, far away on planet Spaceball. She’s a career gal with a bright future as a nurse, so you won’t be ashamed to bring her home to meet your mother. Her turn-ons are plastic surgery, white mini dresses, and short surgeons who need to work on their putz. If ever you meet Miss June, you’ll probably think she gives great helmet. She is…

Nurse Gretchen

…Nurse Gretchen from Spaceballs!

If you take Miss June for a night out on the town, bring your surgeon mask and x-ray machine, if you know what I’m saying!

I don’t know what I’m saying, either. I’m terrible at puns.

Mr. June is a fine specimen from our home planet Earth. He’s tough, brave, and incredibly flexible. Though his wife was killed (and then un-killed), he remains stalwart in his duty to uphold the law and stupid one-liners. His turn-offs include corrupt politicians, salty goulash, and not being able to show off his karate kicks. His turn-ons are time travel, near-mullet hairdos, and doing the splits on countertops. He is…

Jean Claude VanDamme splits

…Officer Max Walker from Timecop!

We had a few other contestants up for Mr. June, but Max Walker went back in time and erased them from history. Congrats, Max! If you head out on the town with Mr. June, be sure to bring your bulletproof vest and a camera to capture those ridiculous moves.

How did we do this month? Do you love this month’s pinups, or are you totally confused as to who they are? Let me know in the comments below–I’d love to hear from you.

Stay tuned for more! Subscribe to the site using the RSS links on the sidebar, on Twitter, or on Facebook. My Facebook page is new and I haven’t really promoted it, so if you go there and wonder why I have very few likes, that’s why. Help a girl out by liking my page!

Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss June 2012”

Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss May 2012

PinCushion I know, I’m supposed to post the last installment of our Snake Plissken fan-fiction, but it’s the end of the month and we need to crown this month’s sci-fi pinups. Sadly, I just wasn’t able to cram Snake’s glory into a single month. We’ll wrap it up soon. On the other hand, what are you complaining about? Snake Plissken’s awesomeness cannot be contained by a single month and you know it.

All hail Snake!

So let’s move on to the science fiction pinups! If this is your first time joining us for the sci-fi pinups, you should know something: this isn’t your momma’s list of hotties. (Unless you have my mom, who, so far, has known all of our sci-fi hotties. My mother is pretty awesome — though she was pretty baffled at the popularity of the three-breasted chick from Total Recall. What can I say? Guys like boobs.)

In this segment, we feature the men and women of science fiction who rev our minds as well as our loins. It’s not Fabio in space, people.

It’s better.

Mr. May comes to us from Devil’s Tower, Wyoming. His turn-ons are UFOs, sculpting, and mashed potatoes. Put those three together and you’ve got his trifecta. His turn-offs are uneven sunburns and aliens who just won’t tell him plainly where they’re going to land. Mr. May is persistent, resilient, and incredibly brave. When the human race is running away from an alien invasion, he’s running toward it. He is…

Close Encounters Mashed Potatoes Scene

…Roy Neary from Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

Mr. May is an older hottie, but he was a shoe-in! And he ain’t no small potatoes, either. HA! If you spend an evening with Mr. May, bring your sunblock and your potato peeler.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind is a Spielberg movie released in 1977, and it’s one of the best science fiction films ever made. It’s also incredibly commercial in that it appeals to a wide audience. If you haven’t seen this movie, you’ve got homework.

Ms. May is a royal demigoddess who hails from Themyscira. Her turn-ons are truth, justice, and tying you up with her lasso. (Meow!) Turn-offs include bad guys and being completely clothed. She’s got a full, invisible plane full of tricks, so having her on your side is a big perk. She’s also very perky, if you catch my drift. She is…

Wonder Woman

…Wonder Woman!

We had a lot of candidates up for Ms. May, but Wonder Woman used her Lasso of Truth to tie up the competition, her super-strength to beat the crap out of them, and then ran them over with her invisible jet. Twice. A job well done! If you plan on heading out on the town with Ms. May, be sure to bring a pair of spandex and a matching cape.

How did we do for this month’s pin-ups? Surprised at all? Who should have won instead? Please tell me you know Roy Neary and his mashed potato mountains. Leave a comment below and let me know.

Also, if you like what you’re reading here on my site, please subscribe. Links to RSS are in the sidebar, and you can also follow me on Twitter. If you follow me on Twitter, drop me a note and say hi and I’ll follow back. Don’t be shy; I love to chat.

Pincushion photo courtesy of Steven Depolo. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Pinups: Mr. & Miss May 2012”